Apparently Henderson-Webb didn’t get my rent check until January 6th, because I just got a letter from them telling me I owe them 5% late fee. I mailed my rent on the 2nd (if it doesn’t arrive by the 5th its late), when I’ve paid my rent late I’ve coughed up the late fee without complaint, so fuck them, they’re not getting it this time around.

Not quite yet to bed, anyway.

Tonight at my second-job we did “school night”, which is where the store donates 15% of the sales back to the local elementary school. The class that orders the most also gets a free pizza party. It usually makes for a night busier than a Friday.

This was only my second night working one of these things. The last time we did this we got our asses handed to us something fierce. That’s what I thought, anyway, because I swear my feet are right now trying to figure out how to detach themselves from my body. Apparently we almost had a fist-fight break out between two customers in the carryout lobby, and I know that Steve was seriously contemplating dumping a couple of our stupider insiders into the Loch Raven.

And then of course there was this stupid blanket of fog. It was like soup, and while I can’t speak for my fellow drivers, it sure forced me to slow down. And it gave me one of the odder situations I’ve ever found myself in this business.

I had to take a delivery way up Jarrettsville Pike, the Harford County side. I made a turn onto a lightly used, ill maintained road, where the fog was about twice as thick as I’d been experiencing. There was, for a short distance, another car on the road ahead of me, but then it turned off — hopefully into a driveway, but they could’ve run into a ditch for all I could tell.
The directions on the ticket said that the house was located off a private driveway which was the last right before Mountain Road. I found the driveway, and I swear to you, in all of the years working in this area, I have never seen this driveway before – it was flanked by stone pillars, and the gate was open. At this point, I started creeping out, but I figured, “Eh, I’ve just never delivered to this address before.”

I start down the road, and make the first right, through another pillar and another set of gates. Still a thick fog, and the house that loomed out of it – I swear, it looked like a fucking castle. Not like a Sleeping Beauty pad or anything – and there were some cars in the driveway – but it was a big, sprawling place, and had a bit of a creepy vibe to it.

So I stop the car, leave it running, grab my maglite and tuck it under the pizza bag — just in case — and walk towards the door, which suddenly swings open. I haven’t knocked, and I haven’t rung the doorbell, and my bladder is screaming “STANDBY FOR EMERGENCY DECOMPRESSION!” and my brain is screaming “RUN FOR THE HILLS MAN JUST RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS!”

Of course I guess I should mention at this point that any idiot keeping even half-an-eye out the window would’ve seen me pulling in, especially in this fog, and it was just a woman in her late thirties (or maybe early forties) meeting me at the door with a check, apologizing for ordering delivery (she didn’t want to drive in the fog, and who can blame her?, I sure didn’t want to!).

Apologizing? Lady, that’s a fiver! Thank you! Have delivery more often!

I make a joke about how Twilight Zoneish this whole delivery seemed to me, and she laughs in one of those “Okkkaaaaay crazy pizza guy” kind of ways. And so I left, but y’know, I swear that driveway won’t be there the next time I’m up on that road.

So I get back to the store, and shortly thereafter – while I’m on another run – the customers almost get into a fight, etcetra etcetra. Later that night, after everything has died down, I was in the office, leaning against the cabinet, and organizing my money to give Steve a drop when Ogre walks in.

And hands me his wallet. Thank you?

“Here,” he tells me. “Go buy a gun and some bullets and come back here and shoot me.” I open the wallet and start to remove the money, telling him, “That’s not neccessary, I have a gun at home, I’ll be right back.”

I think most people will understand two things: he was kidding, and so was I.

Of course, Ogre didn’t recongize this, and now I’m wondering if he meant it as a joke. He grabbed the wallet back and said very thickly, “That was a joke” but in a way that sort of said ‘it wasn’t, but now it is.’

Just a wild and craaaaazy day.

And now I really am off to bed. I wonder how many people are going to wake up to Spanish music tomorrow and wonder, “WTF? Junkies, where art thou?”

Not me!

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And on that note, I’m off to pain killer … I mean, bed.