Not quite yet to bed, anyway.

Tonight at my second-job we did “school night”, which is where the store donates 15% of the sales back to the local elementary school. The class that orders the most also gets a free pizza party. It usually makes for a night busier than a Friday.

This was only my second night working one of these things. The last time we did this we got our asses handed to us something fierce. That’s what I thought, anyway, because I swear my feet are right now trying to figure out how to detach themselves from my body. Apparently we almost had a fist-fight break out between two customers in the carryout lobby, and I know that Steve was seriously contemplating dumping a couple of our stupider insiders into the Loch Raven.

And then of course there was this stupid blanket of fog. It was like soup, and while I can’t speak for my fellow drivers, it sure forced me to slow down. And it gave me one of the odder situations I’ve ever found myself in this business.

I had to take a delivery way up Jarrettsville Pike, the Harford County side. I made a turn onto a lightly used, ill maintained road, where the fog was about twice as thick as I’d been experiencing. There was, for a short distance, another car on the road ahead of me, but then it turned off — hopefully into a driveway, but they could’ve run into a ditch for all I could tell.
The directions on the ticket said that the house was located off a private driveway which was the last right before Mountain Road. I found the driveway, and I swear to you, in all of the years working in this area, I have never seen this driveway before – it was flanked by stone pillars, and the gate was open. At this point, I started creeping out, but I figured, “Eh, I’ve just never delivered to this address before.”

I start down the road, and make the first right, through another pillar and another set of gates. Still a thick fog, and the house that loomed out of it – I swear, it looked like a fucking castle. Not like a Sleeping Beauty pad or anything – and there were some cars in the driveway – but it was a big, sprawling place, and had a bit of a creepy vibe to it.

So I stop the car, leave it running, grab my maglite and tuck it under the pizza bag — just in case — and walk towards the door, which suddenly swings open. I haven’t knocked, and I haven’t rung the doorbell, and my bladder is screaming “STANDBY FOR EMERGENCY DECOMPRESSION!” and my brain is screaming “RUN FOR THE HILLS MAN JUST RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS!”

Of course I guess I should mention at this point that any idiot keeping even half-an-eye out the window would’ve seen me pulling in, especially in this fog, and it was just a woman in her late thirties (or maybe early forties) meeting me at the door with a check, apologizing for ordering delivery (she didn’t want to drive in the fog, and who can blame her?, I sure didn’t want to!).

Apologizing? Lady, that’s a fiver! Thank you! Have delivery more often!

I make a joke about how Twilight Zoneish this whole delivery seemed to me, and she laughs in one of those “Okkkaaaaay crazy pizza guy” kind of ways. And so I left, but y’know, I swear that driveway won’t be there the next time I’m up on that road.

So I get back to the store, and shortly thereafter – while I’m on another run – the customers almost get into a fight, etcetra etcetra. Later that night, after everything has died down, I was in the office, leaning against the cabinet, and organizing my money to give Steve a drop when Ogre walks in.

And hands me his wallet. Thank you?

“Here,” he tells me. “Go buy a gun and some bullets and come back here and shoot me.” I open the wallet and start to remove the money, telling him, “That’s not neccessary, I have a gun at home, I’ll be right back.”

I think most people will understand two things: he was kidding, and so was I.

Of course, Ogre didn’t recongize this, and now I’m wondering if he meant it as a joke. He grabbed the wallet back and said very thickly, “That was a joke” but in a way that sort of said ‘it wasn’t, but now it is.’

Just a wild and craaaaazy day.

And now I really am off to bed. I wonder how many people are going to wake up to Spanish music tomorrow and wonder, “WTF? Junkies, where art thou?”

Not me!