At my part-time job, Greg likes to call me “Dahmer”, in reference to the serial killer with whom I share a first name.
This unusual nickname has been given to me for several reasons. One, half the staff believes I will one day “go postal” and walk in with a high powered rifle and kill everyone. I have already stated this isn’t true – I’m only going to kill the people I don’t like, everyone else is cool in my book. (Plus? I don’t own a high powered rifle. Or any rifle, for that matter).
The second reason is my rather morbid sense of humor. The other day Ogre said he thought I’d do well as a ‘mortality technician.’ “You know, a hitman!” he cheerfuly elaborated.
“Oh, cool,” I said. “Because, then, y’know, I could have sex with the corpses!”
See, my humor is a little off-beat. Like when Bob said “Hey, they should just staff that McDonalds with Indonesians and save on labor!” and I replied, “Yes, also they should bring over Indonesian kids, then the rich white folk won’t have to fly to Asia to have sex with eleven year olds anymore.”
I think most people understand sarcasm when they hear it. Well, not Ogre, and he started to lecture me about why having sex with a corpse would be a bad idea. Yeah, take a memo dumbass: I was kidding.
So tonight Ogre started calling me Dahmer. He used to call me “Bomber”, and I don’t know if that’s because my jokes usually fall flat, or he just heard “Dahmer” and understood it as “Bomber.” Well, apparently someone corrected him, because it was “Dahmer this…” and “Dahmer that…” all night long, and I really didn’t have much opportunity to tell him to cram it because we were actually busy and I actually made decent money for the first time since the holiday season ended.
Later, I told him quite clearly that I didn’t mind Greg calling me “Dahmer” because he signed the paychecks, and I didn’t mind Steve calling me “Dahmer” because he’s the store manager, but if Ogre insisted on continuing to call me “Dahmer”, his new nickname was going to be “Stay-Puff Marshmellow Man.” I had to tell him this twice before he apparently realized that my last name was not, as he somehow believed, Dahmer.
Greg and I were both sort of shocked by this. I mean, for one thing, anytime I log into a computer terminal or are dispatched onto a run, the computer identifies me by both my first and last names. The schedule also identifies me by both my first and last names. That Ogre has worked here for two and a half months or so and still doesn’t know my last name is either a) in keeping with the low expectations we all have of him; or b) proof that he needs to put down the bong a little more and pay attention. And for another thing (and somewhat more unbelievable) – who the fuck hasn’t heard of Jeffrey Dahmer? “What does Jeff Dahmer have in his shower? Head and shoulders! Hah-hah-hah.”
So Ogre’s going to go back to calling me ‘Bomber’, and I’m going to continue thinking he’s an idiot, and we’re all going to be super happy. Except for Greg, who probably wants to fire both of us.