*ringring*

“Pizza Shop.”

“Hi, what’s your store’s phone number?”

“Uh … ’scuse me?”

“What’s your number?”

“You mean, uh, the one you just dialed, or …?”

“Oh…”

If you thought PsychoPhil’s story about a jackass in a pickup truck was hilarious, listen to this!

With my computer restored to proper operating order, I’ve been playing a lot of Battlefield Vietnam, which is a first-person shooter set - guess - in Vietnam. It’s a ton of fun, and not just because you get to shoot computer people — you can fly planes and helicopters, drive tanks, and patrol boats. The objective of the game is to capture a series of your opponent’s control points — and his objective is to capture yours or to defend his. (I don’t think I’ve ever played this game online, I play against the computer instead).

My favorite mission is called “Operation Irving.” It is, I believe, modeled on the infamous village from “Apocalypse Now” … you know, the Valkrie Hueys swoop in, Robert Duvall says, “I love the smell of burning napalm in the morning”, and some Vietcong throws a grenade in a Huey and blows it up in the courtyard. On this map, the courtyard is one of the control points. Above, on a hill, are several artillary pieces, and that’s another control point. On the opposite side of a river there’s a big temple - control point numero four - and the bridge is the third control point.

The problem with the map is that it can be incredibly hard to capture a control point. There are numerous hiding positions for the Vietcong forces, and with their control places so close — every fifteen seconds, all the “dead” soldiers on both sides are respawned at one of their side’s control points — reinforcements are quicker to come by then for the American troops, who must come from a base quite a bit distant — takes forever to walk or swim, there’s only one Huey capable of carrying more than two people, and there’s only one patrol boat. So in terms of pure strategy, you have to consider, what’s the best way to occupy a control point? Ideally, you want to capture a control point where there will be minimal enemy present, where the location hinders reinforcement, and also where you limit the directions they shoot at you from.

For me, that screams “Artillery Hill!”

There are, at most, about six Vietcong on the Hill, two of them manning artillery pieces. And it’s not like you have to kill them all, you just have to crouch next to the flag for twenty seconds so that it’ll change control, then wait for a respawn where all the then-dead American troops will automaticaly come and reinforce you. Piece o’ cake!

Well, no, because you’ve still got to get there. And the best way to do that is through the air. I used to just jump into a Huey Gunship, straff the Hill once or twice with rockets, then bail out, and make a sly approach from the west armed with a BFMG, then cross the rope bridge to the Hill, lay down covering fire, and wait for the flag to change and respawn to begin.

There’s a few problems with this. One is that you’re very vulnerable waiting for the flag to change, and the BFMG - while big and, y’know, effin’ - isn’t the most accurate. It’s good to get folks to duck, but in laying down that covering fire you’re also announcing, “Hey, I’m right here!” and if Charlies decides to say, “Not anymore!” he’s got as much chance of hitting you as you do him.

The other problem is the effer’ in the F-4 Phantom who will for no reason apparent firebomb the Hill. Sometimes he’ll do it before I get there, more often than not, he’ll wait until I’ve just about got the flag to register a change in control. Once the fucker napalmed me after I’d already secured the flag! (You can’t really do anything about him except pray, I guess, and since I don’t pray — in real lifer or VGing — I’m screwed).

Lately, as I’ve honed my skills with the helicopter flying — I can land it, now! — I’ve been trying a new tactic. I jump into the pilot seat of the passenger-carrying Huey from the initial respawn. The Huey holds a total of five, so with my four passengers — two man side mounted machine guns — I take off for the Hill. Now, here’s the thing — when my only intention was to strafe the Hill in the Gunship, I would steer clear of the courtyard altogether and approach from either the west or the east. But it’s damn near impossible to land from either of those directions, which means I have to make an approach over the courtyard.

I might as well paint a sign on the belly of the Huey that says, “Look at me! Shoot me!” The second I approach the courtyard and the village around it, bullets start exploding off the bird’s hull. RPGs trace fire into the sky as multiple Charlies try to shoot me down. And - yeah - did I mention there’s a mobile anti-aircraft position in the village? That fucker’s fun to avoid.

So sometimes I’m successful in reaching the Hill, and me and my four buddies wipe out the Vietcong there and capture the ticket. Half the time, we take a fatal hit and I hit the “Bail!” key and we wind up getting slaughtered in our parachutes or just after hitting the ground.

Then we respawn back at the base and give it another try.