Need to calm down a ritous group of prisoners? Give me a call.

“Our staff member was negotiated out with the delivery of 15 pizzas,” Graeme Barber, Tasmania’s director of prisons, told reporters.

The prisoners had earlier made a list of 24 demands. But none was so pressing as the need for a take-out meal and the guard was released unharmed not long after midnight.

Never underestimate the power of a tasty after-midnight snack.

Talking to my sister, I told her I wasn’t jealous that she lived in Hawaii. When asked why, I elaborated: “You live on a volcano!” I mean, sure, it’s a really old volcano, but then again, so is this one!

I mean … really?

Lonzello — who has said he planned to donate money from the auction to charity — was prepared to hand over the toast on national television Monday, only to learn that the buyer had a change of heart.

“The purchaser reneged on the sale,” Lonzello told The Star-Ledger of Newark, adding that the man was no longer returning his calls. “He said he was goofing around. I think some legal action will be coming out of this.”

I don’t know what this guy is so pissed about, if I was auctioning off a piece of toast, and someone bid that much for it, I wouldn’t be counting my chickens before they’d hatched, if y’know where I’m going with this.