My buddy Chris Z. pointed me in the direction of this gem in Towson University’s campus paper, The Towerlight:

In the world of dating, there is a saying that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Well, unfortunately, nothing I can concoct in the kitchen would lead a man anywhere but the bathroom. However, in my quest to discover the pleasures of sensuality, I have found several interesting ways to tantalize men where it really counts. And while sexual intercourse will always be a source of pleasure, it is only the beginning for those seeking more areas to excite and explore.

These are usually untapped G-spots that are stimulated through gentle pressure and heat that could only be provided by the mouth. Oral fixation, be it as innocent as the ears or as racy as the butt, benefits partners between the sheets. Of course, I never would have realized this without the help of Mickey Mouse and my good friend Ashley.

It was our freshman year, and we had only barely known each other, and yet I knew that Ashley was more knowledgeable on the subject of sex than anyone I’d ever met. One night, while telling me about a certain incident when she was seducing a boy, she mentioned an area I had never known to be a hot spot on the male body.

“The ear?” I asked. “The earlobe,” she corrected me. I was skeptical and unsure about how to make that sexy. She explained that gently licking, sucking or even nipping the ear can drive a man to his breaking point. I tried to imagine her method but she needed something to demonstrate on, and with no other option, her poor stuffed Mickey was our adulterous candidate.

Since that odd night, I have exposed myself to other unusual methods of pleasing a guy, and people I’ve spoken with were quick to tell me what works for them. The answers I received were interesting, to say the least. For many, when they consider ways to get a guy off, their minds immediately go to oral sex (or a “blow job”). It’s pretty quick and pain-free (unless you have an easily tripped gag reflex).

Some tips were a bit kinkier, like the act of paying oral attention to the area around the anus (many of us know it as a “rim job”). I’m told it’s quite pleasurable. However, if spreading his cheeks does nothing for him or you, there is the option of tonguing his testicles.

“Tea-bagging” is the term for when a guy lowers his balls into a recipient’s mouth. Both acts, however shocking they may be, are not as rare as many of us believe, and I’m certain there are even more “outrageous” sexual acts that are done behind closed dorm doors.

Still, merely licking a man’s jewels will yield a pleasant response. A very important and often neglected aspect of oral sex – remembering to give equal attention to his meat and potatoes – will leave him wonderfully bewildered and excited. Those that are squeamish with the act of performing oral sex on a man’s penis may abhor the idea of touching a guy’s testes, let alone putting one’s mouth to them. Yet, there is a mystery to these dangling accessories and hidden areas since they are so often overlooked.

Because of this lack of attention, a man’s testes are an untouched sexual resource, and boys that have been lucky enough to experience oral action like this understand that it’s an amazing feeling. My boyfriend is one such satisfied customer: I stumbled upon this little gem accidentally with him, much to his delight. Even today it works to get him aroused.

For me, the power rush that I experience when I know I’ve got a guy by the balls is indescribable. I suppose it’s the S&M in me, but having that type of control, especially when it comes to sex, provides great stimulus for me. Putting in the effort of feeling out his hot spots guarantees a fun night for him and you. And the best part is that it never gets old. While some may retire their fire from their earlobes, or grumble at another disastrous deep-throat, a man’s balls are the quickest way to his hard-on – and maybe even to yours.

Everyone who has bothered to comment to the online version of this article have been all hot and bothered by it, and I just don’t get that. It’s in a “perspective” section of the paper — you’ve kinda gotta realize going in that you might read something that will offend you.

And I would like to say kudos to the author and to the editors of The Towerlight. Is that paper journalism? I don’t quite know, but according to Chris Z., the FCC might be getting involved over this. Don’t our college newspapers enjoy at the very least the same freedom that bloggers do? Because, yeah, this sounds very much like something I might read on a blog.

Regardless of Kristin Bott’s future with The Towerlight, she should start blogging.

A big deal was made at the Franchise about Saturday being a Very Busy Night, and I was asked to come in and work the rush. At first, I was reluctant, I had plans for what I was hoping would be the entire day, but when my ride told me that his family had to bug out earlier anyway, I said, “Sure, what the hell.” A few extra hours, a few extra tips, and a few brownie points never hurt.

What no one bothered to tell me was that one of the specials had been changed to coupon only. No one. Told me. I stress this because there is no big board where announcements like this are posted, so word-of-mouth instruction is important. And indeed, Steve told me by word of mouth that we no longer had the special.

So I walk in the door a little after 5:30, and of course, the inside closer, Elliot, hasn’t shown up because, as usual, he misread his schedule so I jump on the phones. This is when Steve told me we weren’t offering the special: after I’d been on the phone with some guy for several minutes taking his order, after I’d told him we still had it.

Because no one here fucking communicates anything.

That’s a lie. We all fucking communicate. “Didja hear what Ogre did last night?” That’s what we communicate. We’re a store of fucking old maids, no wonder Greg wants to kill us all and burn the store to the ground.*

So Steve tells me to tell the guy, “We don’t have this anymore.” And I cup my hand over the phone and say, “I didn’t know that, I already told him we have it.”

I’m of the belief that when you quote someone a price, you honor it to the best of your ability. Steve is of the belief that he hates this fucking special and I’m out to sabotauge him. It’s not his fault — he had a long day, he’s a bit high-strung when he hasn’t smoked grass in a while, and now some of his employees aren’t showing up — still, throwing his hat on the floor and jumping up and down on it was a little … cartoonish.

Long story short, the customer got his special, and I got the night off, which was fine. I went home and watched Sahara, reinforcing my opinion that Steve Zahn is the worst, stupidest, most awful actor around and he’s lousy at comic relief and completely unbelievable as a Navy SEAL.

*I don’t know if he does, but if I was Greg, I’d probably fantasize about drowning employees in the sauce bucket.