Via Sitemeter’s “referral” section, KMart and I share a rather dubious distinction.

Watching Kingdom of Heaven this evening (very prompt Netflix, you’ve restored my faith), I caught myself saying the following:

“Wow, it’s like Braveheart, but in the medieval age.”

Then I became very embarressed with myself and didn’t talk to myself anymore for the rest of the film.

In the 2 1/2 years I’ve lived here, I’m now on my fourth set of neighbors in the unit next to mine. They have children. I am quite convinced the noises I’m hearing through my bedroom wall are their children jumping up and down on their beds.

I hope these kids aren’t noisy when they wake up at the butt crack of dawn, because if they are I swear I’m going to pound on the wall with a baseball bat.

The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr. Coming to DVD next year.

Also coming to DVD in 2006, the best cop show ever made.

In particular, his critics at Colonial Fleets. You can read his response here. It’s a very long and polite way of telling those folks to fuck off.

I was folding boxes. Zapp was prepping salad dressings. Charlie was cleaning the subline.

Gary was standing in front of the box table talking with his wife, discussing the afternoon’s business. “We had a great start, dropped off in the middle, and dammit, I just need a happy ending.”

He paused. She burst into laughter.

Maybe you had to be there.

So 102.7 has for a few months been a “Jack” station, which means no DJs and an expanded playlist. I catch myself listening to it quite a bit now when I’m working afternoons — it’s essentially Jack or Ed Norris. Jack runs these little scripted trying-to-be-funny audio bits every few dozen songs, “Hey, it’s time to pay our bills!” before a commercial break.

Today on my way home, the audio bit was “Jack FM broadcast in HD Radio. That’s geek talk for ‘high definition.’ But unless you can shell out $4,000 for an HD radio, just keep listening to this.”

It was the first I’ve heard of HD radio (do they really exist)? So as I’m driving home on Warren Road, I start thinking, “Hmm. HD TV, HD Radio, I wonder what else they could do in HD?”

What popped to mind? HD Eyeglasses!

And then I remembered when I was a kid, those ads in the backs of magazines or comic books for the x-ray glasses? I don’t think I ever ordered one, but I thought those things would be so slick — able to see through clothes, alright! I could imagine walking around the playground at my Catholic elementary school scoping out all the naked girls.

Yeah. HD Eyeglasses would be the bomb.

Is located on the southern tip of our delivery area. It’s a huge stone mansion that does literally resemble Wayne mansion. The carpark alone could fit my apartment — hell, could fit my building — twice over.

It’s a pain to deliver to. Easy to get to, don’t get me wrong, it’s just that it is SO big getting anyone’s attention is an absolute nightmare. The family has been renovating it for years, and still need to fix the doorbell. Long story short — knocked, no answer. Walked around to the kitchen window and waved frantically at the old man watching TV. No response from him. I then proceeded to wave and jump, still no response, so I moved on to screaming at him. When that didn’t work I flipped him the bird, and of course he still didn’t see me (I figured that time he would). In any case, I suppose he’s dead and blind.

I called. Got the machine. I honked the horn. No one came. I put my full weight against the horn for a full minute. Nope. I called again. Got the machine again. Finally, all options exhausted, I went for the Communication Method of Last Resort.

I grabbed my maglite. My big, four-cell maglite.

And, wielding it like a club, I proceeded to pound the everloving shit out of their heavy wooden front door.

And for the love of all that is good in the universe, they heard me. And tipped me nicely. Hurah!