Wait, you’re supposed to mail the ticket back and check what you want to plea?

See, I just called the info thing and found out I need to be in traffic court tomorrow at 1:30. Traffic court, wait, did I skip right to a fucking trial?

My heart is about to explode.

Tomorrow I go to traffic court for the first time, ever.

I was stopped by a State Police speedtrap on I-83 just north of the city line for speeding. The ticket is for 74 in a 55.

This is my first traffic ticket. I have spoken to many of my coworkers about traffic court — two of them, Sketchy and James, are in traffic court at least once a week — and how best to get out of the ticket. Both advised pleading “guilty with an explanation” and then some trite lines about “oh, I’m sorry, blah-blah-blah.”

So really, when I say “I need help” what I mean is “I need advice.”

So, advice please. And since I don’t have big boobs to wave in the judge’s face to get a PBJ (I know, right, I love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!), I’m going to have to rely on my charm, my stunning good looks, and my almost spotless driving record.

(In addition to the ticket, I have a citation from fall ’04 for failing to display my registration to an officer.)