I have acquired a Hasbro Titanium-series Viper Mark II from an eBay auction. I’m a little steamed — I bought two from the guy and he forgot to package the 2nd. Hopefully he’ll respond to my e-mail and get this out to me. It’s a neat little toy. I’ve been swishing it around making “wooshing” noises for the last few minutes.

Or, “How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Asstastic Retard Driving Stupidly In Front of Me.”

So after a long night at work where Zebulon pouted, and few deliveries came in, and I spent twenty-bucks on gasoline and nearly got eaten by a raccoon, I drove home via Cranbrook and a left hand turn on Padonia. And as I approached the right-hand turn entry into my apartment complex, I noticed something odd.

Why, a strange sedan, parked on the side of the road. One might wonder why a strange sedan was parked on the side of the road. In fact, I did wonder. But he wasn’t just parked on the side of the road. No, the strange sedan was parked in front of the entry to the apartment complex where I live!

Why, the operator of this strange sedan was blocking me from getting home!

So I did what any tired hardworking red blooded American would do. I pulled up behind him, grabbed my maglite, smashed out his driver’s side window, and proceeded to beat the living piss out of his skull.

I mean, er, I pulled up behind him, and when he didn’t move, I put on my brights. Much to my everlasting delight he began to move. He made a right hand turn, in fact, into the complex.

Where he stopped.

I dunno, maybe he thought I was trying to continue on Padonia Road. If you’re not familiar with Padonia Road east of Cranbrook, let me tell you that it is one lane in each direction. However, each lane is wide enough that two cars can and often do drive abreast of one another. This is a frustrating skull-exploding demonstration of the stupidness of drivers in the greater retard zone of Lutherville/Timonium/Cockeysville/Hunt Valley.

Where were we?

Oh yes. Sedan moves because I pull up behind him. Sedan turns into the apartment complex, then stops again. This is bad, because I need, from Padonia Road, to make a right hand turn into the complex, then a left hand turn onto the side street from which is located the building in which my apartment is located.

Anyway, dipshit in the Sedan — who I’m quite clearly believing is lost — is first inconsiderate enough to stop his car in front of entry to apartment complex. Then he moves into the apartment complex only to stop. Once again I pull up behind him, he seems to get the picture that he needs to do something and so he …

… wait for it …

… makes a left hand turn.

The same left hand turn I need to take to get to my motherfucking apartment building so I can get into my motherfucking apartment so I can go to sleep in my no-one is ever getting fucked on it ever because I’m going to bash someone’s skull in and go to jail bed, and this motherfucking piece of sedan driving turdness does not seem to fucking understand that he needs to stop parking his car randomly in my path and either pull over to the side of the road where he’s not blocking traffic or better yet go drive his car really fast over a really short pier preferably with him inside of it all the way to the fucking bottom of the fucking body of water he’s chosen to commit suicide in.

Finally, turdfuck pulled over, I got to my building, I ache all over, I can’t wait to go to bed, but I couldn’t help but think that I may indeed be in need of Zenchick’s intervention. Or at the very least, a night where I can drink drink drink and not have to worry about driving home. Or whatever.

Illustration #1 is “Two in the Pink, One in the Stink.” You will notice that despite the similarities, it does not look anything like Illustration #2, “The Vulcan Hand Salute.” Please keep in mind that while one means “Live Long and Prosper”, the other is a gesture representing a sexual activity, and that you should recognize the difference so the next time a group of underage children flash you with the first, you do not respond with the 2nd, which as you are more than well aware now, leads to big headaches on the part of everyone involved, particularly when the children in question claim you responded with the first gesture.

Illustration #1

Illustration #2

(Note? I’d totally two-pink-and-a-stink that girl. She’s cute).