First I write this, about how my car can clear a groundhog’s corpse, then what do I go and do tonight on a delivery? Run over a rabbit and drag the damn thing along behind me for like ten yards.

It’s not my fault. It’s not like I saw the rabbit, gunned the engine, then painted a rabbit head on my door as proof of a kill. Rather, I saw the rabbit run across the residential street, I slowed, then as I turned my head to look at the house numbers on the mailbox, the rabbit apparently turned around (because it had gotten across the street) and ran under my front driver’s side tire.

You’ve heard of “suicide by cop”? Apparently, the rabbit version is “Suicide by Pizza Delivery Guy.”

Here’s what I heard: bump.

I looked up, noticed the rabbit was nowhere to be found, figured I’d hit a large twig …

Then I felt another bump from the back tire, reinforcing my belief that I’d hit a twig, although it was weird because I was certain that in the time I’d felt the first bump, I’d gone from house #3 to house #5, which means I should’ve hit the twig with the back tire sooner … Whatever. I pulled into the driveway, took the delivery, and as I drove out, what’d I see? A rabbit smeared across the fucking pavement, like the shikh in Temple of Doom who goes under the rock crusher, y’know?

Stupid rabbit. Roads are for cars. (And bikes, and horses, and farm equipment, but that’s another post).

Garden-level (read: basement) apartments have a nice advantage during the fall and spring. $34.12 is the cost of my BGE bill for the period between April 17th and May 16th. Even with this threatened 72% increase coming next month, I’ll manage. It’ll be tight, particularly during the sweltering months of summer and the freezing months of winter, but this bill won’t be enough to flood my boat and cause me to scream “Abandon ship! Abandon ship!”

Dead groundhog on Poplar Hill Road, a desolate two-lane strip sparsely populated with trailers and McMansions. There’s a dead groundhog on one of the winding curves as you begin to descend towards Merryman’s Mill.

I drove over the groundhog. It was dead, I couldn’t hurt it, and my tiny little Celica, as low to the ground as it is, has more than enough ground clearance to avoid dragging the dead creature along underneath as a sort of gruesome trail of bread crumbs for Hansel and Gretel. In any case, I made a particular point of driving over the dead creature because the person in front of me — driving a Mercedes SUV — actually swerved into the other lane to avoid it.

It’s not like walking under a ladder — driving over dead critters doesn’t bring you bad luck, y’know? And, my god, you were driving an SUV! You could’ve driven over a fucking deer and had enough clearance.

Dipshit.