(No, I’m Not Joking).

(Yes, I’m Serious).

(Jesus Christ already…)

I’m not going to waste time describing the plot to you. Truthfully, if you plodded through the title, and assuming you aren’t dead, you’ve already heard of “Snakes On A Plane.” Seriously. What’s it about? It’s about a bunch of snakes. On a plane. With Samuel L. Jackson. What more does anyone need to know?

As far as airplane disaster flicks go, it actually isn’t that bad — it’s certainly as good as Executive Decision or Air Force One, the only two somewhat-recent airplane disaster films I can remember off the top of my head. And whereas both of those movies were kind of unoriginal in their concepts (the first was “terrorists on a plane” and the second “terrorists and the president on a plane”), you’ve gotta admit that “Snakes On A Plane”, while a sort-of smack you in your face title, has a fairly original concept. (Well, aside for it being an airplane disaster movie. But it has Samuel L. Jackson, who trumps Steven Segal and William H. Macy. Sorry Bill, but it’s true).

I don’t think I would have enjoyed the movie as much without the audience participation — surely that won’t come on the DVD. From rich, bored Hunt Valley latchkey kids (read: white with mom’s BMW) screaming “SNAKES!” at random intervals to half the theater making snake rattle noises for most of the film, to the cheers at Sam Jackson’s introduction, to everyone in the theater cheering when Sam Jackson finally cuts loose with the outtake featured on The Daily Show.

Snakes On A Plane is no Schindler’s List. Or maybe I should say, Schindler’s List is no Snakes On A Plane. (I wouldn’t know … I’ve never actually seen Schindler’s List). The movie falls flat where it tries to inject depth, and it soars when it really shouldn’t be doing anything of the sort. I’ll tell you this, darling reader, light of my life, I’ll tell you that I’m deadly serious when I say that should I ever have the opportunity to join The Mile High Club I shall scream “SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKIN’ PLANE!” and jump out the window.

Why?

Because it sucks to be on a plane with snakes. DUH.

(I’m so buying this on DVD. They should tape an audience reaction to the film and add it on as a commentary option.)

GO SEE SNAKES ON A PLANE!

Yes, I’m serious! Go see it this weekend while it is still drawing a crowd, because let me tell you something; yes, the film is a bit scary at points; yes, the film is a bit stupid at most points; yes, my penis could write better dialogue; yes, a lot of people die when snakes bite their boobs/penises/vaginas/eyes/etc.; and YES, this movie is worth full-price adult admission to see in the movie theater! I can’t remember the last time I had such a great time at a movie.

Better than Superman. Better than Pirates of the Caribbean II.

GO MOTHERFUCKING SEE THIS MOTHERFUCKING MOVIE ABOUT MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKING AIR-MOTHERFUCKING-PLANE.

Snakes On A Motherfuckin’ Plane. (Hopefully, that’ll be the title of the special edition DVD — “Snakes On A Motherfucking Plane: The Unrated Edition”).

I feel the urge to throw open the doors of my apartment building and bellow, “Motherfuckin’ Snakes, On a Motherfuckin’ Airplane!”

GO SEE IT!

GO!

GO!