Alternate Title: “I’m On Vacation, Bitches! Think of Me And Hate As You Deteriorate Within Your Life Sucking Cubicles.”
Alternate-Alternate Title: “Thank The Sweet Lord, I’m On Vay-kay-shee.”
Alternate-Alternate-Alternate Title: “Ciao, Bitchers.”
I wasn’t planning on leaving until Monday, but after talking to AF last week (whose cabin it is I’m staying at), she insisted I get down there as soon as possible — it’s empty as of a few hours ago — so I arranged to get out of work early today, and I’m about to roll out. I’m freshly showered. My car is gassed up (A/C all the way down, baby). My duffel bag is ready to go. I’ve got beer loaded in my trunk. I’ve got more books than I can possible read. I’m going to stop for some food (deli meats, maybe some hot dogs for the grill) as I approach my destination. That’s right: this blogger is officially on the first real “get away from everything, do nothing” vacation he can ever remember taking.
I can remember the last time I was in West Virginia — it has probably been a decade or so. My parents enrolled me in a Defensive Driving class shortly after I got my license. I remember driving down with my dad and spending most of the day spinning out old beat-up ex-cop Crown Vics, just to then fight to regain control. The “final” was running an obstacle course on a race track, and included dodging moving objects. It was an incredibly fun class. I learned that if you lose control of your car, where you’re looking while you’re trying to regain control of the vehicle is one of the most important things you can do. If you spin out into an empty field and you look at the one single tree, you’re probably going to wind up steering yourself into it. Anyway, you don’t want nostalgic stories.
For those of you who will miss my daily presence — never fear! That’s right. For the last month, I’ve been hoarding at LEAST a post a day for my vacation — thus, while I’m veggin’ out in nature and reading and doing nothing of consequence, you’ll be reading a new post by me every 7.62 hours from midnight tonight until noon Thursday. That’s because I think of you and don’t want you to be subjected to recycled posts like certain people.
If you believed the above paragraph, I also have a bridge I’d like to talk to you about. No, no, the above paragraph is total fiction, that you fell for hook, line, and sinker because you’re a gullible person and I enjoy fucking with you (and if you’re a she, it’s a good bet you could just take out the “with, add a “would” before the “I”, and it’d hold true).
Anyway: with me running out the door, because I don’t care much for guest-bloggers or rerun posts or goblin ghost writers, this blog will be on vacation, too. You can probably expect a deluge of posts as soon as I return with titles like, “Holy Shit, The Phones Didn’t Ring At All!” and “If You’ve Absolutely, Positively Gotta Be Assraped, West Virginian Inbreeders Are Actually Quite Gentle.” (Maybe I should take my shotgun after all).
For those few of you I like to delude myself into believing who can’t live without a daily dose of me, please, browse my archive (organized by month on the sidebar). I’ve got nearly two years’ worth of posts, and although I’ve rarely been as prolific as I’ve been this summer, I do write a lot. In fact, one of my first posts back will be a retrospective (kidding). Here’s a small selection of my favorite posts:
Rockin’ The Isuzu — The Tale of an Egyptian, A Yo Boy, and the Prostitute Who Brought Them Together.
Y’know what? I’m too lazy to go through my archives. There’s one link. Read it. Laugh. Meanwhile, every moment I write this I’m missing out on my vacation, and as much as I love blogging and love other bloggers, guess what I’m choosing right now at this very moment?
Not you!
Ciao, bitches!
(Don’t take it personally. I just need the most extensive technology in my life for the next five days or so to be a working toilet and a lightbulb, y’know? And a fridge. For the beer.)
(I’m not actually taking the .45 Auto. I’m taking the .357 wheelgun.)
(I am taking a few movies down with me. But I liked the line about the “most extensive technologies” so I didn’t want to fuck with it, ‘k?)
