Some have called it a parody of Martin Luther King, Jr.’s famous “I Have a Dream!” speech, but in a third-season episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, the Ferengi propetier of the station’s bar, Quark, says, “I have a dream; a dream that all people — human, Jem’Hadar, Ferengi, Cardassians — will someday stand together in peace…”

The remark, and coming out of this particular character, makes it very easy to point to as a quick joke, but Deep Space Nine’s very premise allowed for tremendous character conflict, particularly as far as interactions of various species. The best morality play ever done by any Star Trek series, DS9’s Duet, played on the hostilities between Bajorans and Cardassians, and two individuals from the enemy races who struggled to overcome.

A year ago, a particularly reactionary coworker of mine described King, loudly, as a “fucking communist!” He may well have been, or my coworker may have been giving in to long held predjudices; and perhaps King only became the symbol of the Civil Rights Movement because he was a compromise candidate, I don’t know nearly enough about King’s life to respond to either charge (although I did tell my coworker to “shut your fucking hole”), although it strikes me as sad that he’s been dead for going on forty years, and his “I Have A Dream” speech was forty-four years ago, and the punch of that speech, the thought that people “will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character” is a goal we, as a nation, are still trying to reach. Hopefully we’ll get there before the twenty-fourth century.

There’s this assumption that die-hard “Star Trek” geeks are fat, overweight slobs who can barely man-handle themselves off their paisley-upholstered couch. And when they man-handle themselves off of said couch, it’s the only loving they get, if you follow my drift. Now, I don’t mean to hate: I’ve got the complete season box sets of The Original Series (including the Animated season!), Deep Space Nine, and TNG, as well as all ten movies on DVD. So, y’know, I might not be one to talk (then again, I am talking about outsider assumptions here).

In any case, if you came across a van marked up to resemble a Star Trek shuttlecraft, you’d probably form some opinions similar to those mentioned above. I can shorten that to one word: you’d think “loser.” I mean, okay, why would anyone want to decorate their van like a Star Trek shuttlecraft? I’ve got no idea, although I did put a promotional Darth Vader sticky from the 1997 VHS release of the “Special Edition” Star Wars movies in the back window of my 1989 Acura Legend when I got it … anyway, look at the photo and see if you notice the contradiction.

If you said, “Hey, wait, there’s a bicycle on the back! Geeks who exercise!” you hit the nail on the head. Of course, it isn’t a real contradiction — geeks exercise all the time (although not neccessarily this geek) — but it’s a contradiction for those who know all they do about Star Trek fans from William Shatner’s SNL skit (which, by the way, I can’t find unbutchered on YouTube, WTF).

Jules e-mailed me this photo and select accompanying text:

The driver of this van was the only other occupant on the ferry we took from Dauphin Island to Orange Beach. Turns out the guy was riding his bike cross country and his family was keeping pace in the van. Anyway. They were Trekkies like I’ve never seen before. Besides my mom. Back in the day, you know.

Trekkies on bikes. Coming to a neighborhood near you.

(Set phasers to geek!)

So imagine my surprise the other day when I stepped into my bedroom to grab my wallet before leaving for work and saw this massively hairy and huge arachnid scurrying across the carpet towards me. My surprise was quite accurately captured by my yelp, which consisted of the words “EW!” and “ICK!” and various funny sounding snorting noises that could be translated into “!!!” or “Mommy!”

I don’t like spiders. I fast-forward through the spider scene in Return of the King. Same with Harry Potter & The Chamber of Secrets. Truthfully, I’m not so keen on the “Peter Parker gets bit by a spider” scene in Spiderman, either. When I come across molded Lego spiders, unless they’re trans-red or trans-blue, they get pitched, because I do mistake them for the real thing.

Thankfully, as I was headed out the door, I was fully dressed. The key here was that I was wearing sneakers. After initially retreating, I realized that the spider was like a lone soldier, running across a plain waving his rifle in the air and screaming and being absolutely surprised that the massive enemy force, with its infantry divisions and tanks and air support, was turning and running. Well, shit, I’m a coward, but I’m not that cowardly. So I stepped forward, raised my foot, and squish.

Except I forgot that on a carpeted surface, it isn’t enough only to step on a spider. Sure enough, the spider realized it was under fire, turned, and bolted towards the closet as soon as I lifted my foot. No fucking way I was letting that little eight-legged terrorist escape: for one thing, if it survived and got into the closet, it would be years and years (at the very least, days and days) before I was brave enough to get anything out of it. Can you (hypothetically) say, “Snay, um, haven’t you been wearing those clothes for the last five days…?” Because, seriously, I would’ve been.

So I stepped forward again, raised my right foot, and brought my sneaker down, again, atop the spider. This time, I raised my left leg slightly off the floor so that my entire weight pressed down on my right foot. Then, with the spider trapped, I twisted ever so gently my foot, and when I lifted the sneaker, splattered spider guts testified that in a match up of Snay versus spider, those fucking bugs better leave me the eff alone.

Between Merv and Driver Gary:

Merv: “I hate it when my ice melts.”

Driver Gary: “Yeah, really dilutes the soda.”

Merv: “Exactly, but I’m not drinking soda.”

Driver Gary: “Whatcha drinking?”

Merv: “Water.”

A few minutes later, Driver Gary came up to me. “Did you hear that?” Yep, I said. “I wonder if he knows that ice is frozen water.” Driver Gary didn’t believe that Merv was that stupid, but, sure enough, as Driver Gary reported back to me later, Merv said: “Well, if ice is water, why don’t they just call it ‘frozen water’?”

Um. Because “ice” is a lot easier to say?