I find it interesting that I’m so fascinated by Top Chef. I’m not a “fancy food eater” — I’m a meat and potato guy (seriously, what the fuck is ‘foie gras’?), but I gotta be honest, I’m not the biggest fan of potatoes. The guest chef really reminds me of Dolph Lundgren, and of course, I’d love to put Padma Lakshmi on one of those Kenmore kitchen stainless-steel tables and have my way with her. How perfect, then, that tonight’s episode is about chocolate. Oh, no, Padma, let me lick that off you …

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As I am on occasion wont to do, I found myself scanning Rebelscum the other day when I came across an announcement of Star Wars-themed Disney marquettes.

Luke is Mickey, Leia is Minney, Goofy is Vader, and Donald is apparently one of many Stormtrooper clones. Personally, I’m wondering just what the fuck Disney was thinking. Take careful note that while three of the four characters are clad in what could be termed “movie accurate” costumes, Vader’s costume is lacking a face mask, and has gained boxer shorts with, what appear to be, little mouse-head stencils.

You’re probably thinking, “Who would want to buy these?”

Me? I’m thinking, “How would The Empire Strikes Back have played if Disney had done it?”

No, really, think about it. Goofder and Luke Mousewalker are on the thin gray bridge over the air-pit in the bowels of Cloud City. Mousewalker’s hand and lightsaber are falling into the precipice below. Goofder steps forward, clenches his hand in a fist, and tells Mousewalker: “No, I am your father.”

In our Empire, of course, Luke screams “No! No! It can’t be true! I want my mommy!” and then throws himself to what he thinks is his doom (because the Force approves of suicide).

In Disney Empire, Mousewalker frowns. Considers. Finally, replies: “No, no, sorry, you’re lying.”

Goofder: “No, I’m not. I am your father.”

Mousewalker: “Right, and, look, I’d like to believe you, but, see, I’m a mouse. And you’re clearly a dog.”

Goofder: “Um. Er.”

Mousewalker: “And, assuming you were my father, some of your dominant canine traits would’ve overridden my mouse mother’s genes, and I’d be like a dog with mouse ears or something. No, look, I’m sorry, you’re not my father.”

Goofder: “Well, wow, this is really embarassing. Padme told me she was pregnant with my kids, and then I fell into the lava and never really gave it anymore thought. Crap, she must’ve been cheating on me with Obi-Mouse-Wan! And now she’s dead so I can’t force-throttle her for cheating on me …”

Mousewalker: “Yeah, that’s nice, sucks and all, but would you mind calling a medic and helping me up? My wrist is killing me.”

Doesn’t quite have the same punch, does it?