Saturday was a good — no, great — day to work. A lot of big orders and generous tippers.
But of course, not everyone can be a generous tipper, or even a good tipper, or even a moderately-okay tipper. No, this person — bitch, really — could barely tip a buck, and, gosh, apparently had no flatware to eat her salad with.
This she says to me with a straight face even though we’re at her house. What, she doesn’t have a dammed fork? Somehow, I doubt it.
I know why she didn’t have a fork. The manager Saturday morning thought to himself, “Oh, of course she’s got flatware, so by not packing a cheap plastic fork, I’ll be saving boss-man a whole nickel.” Really, it’s one of those things where I really wished he’d've checked with me first, because it wasn’t going to be his ass running back to this woman’s house with her damn stupid plastic fucking fork. And this wasn’t a short delivery — eff no, this was eight miles one way. In other words, a whole damn gallon of gas wasted making two fucking trips to her house.
And, did I mention she tipped a dollar and made it seem like she was passing a kidney stone to do so? Nevermind her big house, multiple cars and trucks and SUVs and the boat on the trailer or the pool in the backyard.
It all worked out — I got a few bucks from the store for going back up a second time, she certainly didn’t give me any financial reward for going back up to her a second time.
I can’t complain – did I mention Saturday was a great day? I wish I had more like them. Because despite “I Need My Stupid Fucking Plastic Fork” lady, tips were really so far beyond great I don’t have the words for it.
You jammed that fork into her eye, right?
Orky-fay itch-bay.
Comment by Jocelyn — April 23, 2007 @ 12:11 am
Damn, when I ask for parm and peppers the pizza hut guy says “sorry ain’t got none bye.” I didn’t know I could make them go get me some.
I tip 5 bucks each time no matter what I order. Ten if I’m wasted ;)
Comment by Hammer — April 23, 2007 @ 12:24 am
The only time a pizza delivery dude ever had to make a second trip to my house was when he forgot the Pepsi and had to go back and get it. And I tipped him a second time for the trip!
Comment by Sometimes Saintly Nick — April 23, 2007 @ 1:23 am
You need to pull a Tom Greene and go up to that house when all are sleeping and have a friend paint something socially unacceptable on the hull of the boat. Tom painted his parents car with two naked women making out with the title “Lesbo-mobile” on the hood. Maybe a picture of a pizza delivery person with a giant plastic fork doing things we should not speak of to a bad tipper?
Comment by TB — April 23, 2007 @ 1:35 am
what the hell? What a bitch! Please tell me you stuck the fork somewhere nasty before giving it to her.
Comment by mez — April 23, 2007 @ 8:18 am
You may want to grab a couple of plastic forks and stick ‘em in your glove box, just in case.
Comment by Jim McKee — April 23, 2007 @ 10:37 am
I think I might have told her to eat it with her fingers. I’m sooo not good with customer service or idiots.
Comment by Kristin — April 23, 2007 @ 10:48 am
Shit. I live in the country and would just be thrilled to get the pizza delivered!!
Comment by sue — April 23, 2007 @ 12:14 pm
I thought about you this weekend. We ordered a pizza. I turned on my light. I got the amount and the 20% tip ready.
Well, as the pizza guy was leaving, a stray brick for the stack I had to the side was in the middle of the walkway, and he tripped over it. Damn. It could have been a perfect pizza delivery.
People really demand plasticware? I use my own fork. I would rather use my own than plastic anyway. Unless I am feeling especially lazy.
Comment by Lynda — April 23, 2007 @ 12:25 pm
She asked you to go back and get her a PLASTIC fork, thereby wasting all the gas, and on Earth Day weekend?!! and then gave you a dollar for your trouble!? Seriously?
Comment by danielle — April 23, 2007 @ 12:27 pm
You clearly have the shittiest bosses in the land. (even if they did toss a few bucks your way)There’s no way a local pizza place would make a driver return for a fork.
Comment by JACC — April 23, 2007 @ 1:29 pm
I had my first ‘American’ Pizza on Saturday, yeah, it was in Scotland, but on an American ship. I hope yours taste better. At least the forks weren’t plastic!
Comment by Vi — April 23, 2007 @ 3:27 pm
Did you lick the fork first?
Comment by jj — April 23, 2007 @ 4:19 pm
To borrow liberally from (and bastardize the punchline) from a classic Monty Python sketch:
“Well, then. It’s a good thing you didn’t tell her about the plastic knife!”
Comment by puerileuwaite — April 23, 2007 @ 5:54 pm
I will defer to Miss Manners on the subject, but I think the delivery of a salad to one’s residence implies the inclusion of the utensil of a plastic fork.
But how far do we go with this theory? Does the delivery of lobster imply a lobster bib? Does the delivery of oysters imply disposable oyster shuckers? etc.
I think that we can safely say for this reason that “home fondue delivery” will never truly take off.
Comment by Zen Wizard — April 23, 2007 @ 6:41 pm
Funny how one tight-wad can ruin a day, right? I hate bad tippers.
Comment by Losrulz — April 23, 2007 @ 6:59 pm
Well, they do say the richer the person the smaller the tip. It’s exponential i think. Personally I would have kicked her in the fanny( english fanny not american fanny) and told her to eat shit with a plastic fork. But that’s just me.
Comment by Hypersonic — April 23, 2007 @ 7:01 pm
Snay, ancient Chinese wisdom say: rich people get richer b/c they’re cheap and poor tippers. :-)
I hate when places don’t include utensils. I think they should give me what I’d get if I was eating in the restaurant. Think they’ll ever make teeny tiny waiters to set up my take out at home and ask me if I have everything I need?
Comment by Tara — April 23, 2007 @ 7:13 pm
This fluctuating tip thing drives Test Case crazy at the restaurant where he works.
Who doesn’t have a fucking fork? Seriously, it would never in a Million Years occur to me to make someone drive an extra trip to bring back a plastic fork. A dollar tip is a disgrace, like spitting in your face after all that. The sheer rudeness of the general public never ceases to make me want to scream!
Comment by Claire — April 23, 2007 @ 7:57 pm
WHAT?! i abhor her.
Comment by pinknest — April 23, 2007 @ 9:20 pm
Haha, with money like that she probably just orders out all the time and uses the plastic wear that it comes with.
Comment by silverneurotic — April 23, 2007 @ 9:40 pm
but. dont all houses have forks? i have flatwear then , incase of emergency, like say, im too lazy to do the dishes, I also have about six boxes of plaztic “throwaway” forks and spoons n shit.
i would have told the lady to STFU
Comment by bluepaintred — April 23, 2007 @ 9:46 pm
uhm
also
do people in the US eat pizza with a fork?
we eat it withour hands in canada. . .
Comment by bluepaintred — April 23, 2007 @ 9:49 pm
I just don’t get it… she made you go all the way back to get a plastic fork… when she was obviously at home and you’d think she has flatware at home? Talk about a twunt!
Comment by ItsMeMaven — April 23, 2007 @ 10:01 pm
You seriously need to fork her yard. Plastic forks stuck into the lawn every few inches or so. That way she’d never need you to bring her any, and it would take her a very long time to pull them all up.
Comment by Summer — April 23, 2007 @ 10:34 pm
[...] last spring — actually, April 22nd — I took a delivery to a lady who lived, if not at the absolute furthest extent of our area, [...]
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