Maryland’s south of the Mason-Dixon line, and maybe the only reason the state didn’t side with the South is because Federal troops prevented it. Then again, Tennessee’s population voted to remain with the Union, and their politicians ignored the people to go with the South, so what does any of it matter?

Every now and then, I come across a blog post from some southerner ranting and misrepresenting the so-called “War of Northern Aggression.” Here’s a quick primer for when you do:

1. “The War of Northern Aggression” is not an accurate title for a war which began when Southern forces fired FIRST (an inconvenient fact that people like to “forget”). From now on, I will be referring to The War Formerly Known as Civil” as “The War of Southern Aggression.” Or, maybe, “The War of How The South Became So Polite (Because They Don’t Want To Give The North Any Reason To Come Back Down And Burn Their Ass Back To The Ground”). Nah, that’s too long — and TWOHTSBSPBTDWTGTNARTCBDABTABTTG is a really lousy acronym.

2. After denying that the TWOSA was fought over slavery, those who call it TWONA say that the war was fought over “States’ Rights.” Do a little research — The South feared for its slave dependent economy if new territories were admitted to the Union as “slave free” (i.e., “States’ Rights” is code for “Southern Economy”, i.e., the war was fought over slavery).

3. The Emancipation Proclamation is a TOTAL red-herring: what came first? The War? Or the Proclamation? EXACTLY! Once the war had started (over slavery, erm, Southern Economy erm … “states’ rights”), it wouldn’t have mattered if Lincoln had never issued the Proclamation, or if the Southern states had been readmitted with slavery allowed to remain in place — The War of Southern Aggression STILL would’ve been fought over slavery “states’ rights.”

4. If you ever see anyone post that “The South Will Rise Again”, ask them what they dislike about being a citizen of the United States of America, the Greatest Country In The Whole Milky Way Galaxy. Yeah, you heard me — the U.S.A. Greatest. Country. Ever.