I Was Right!

As I blogged about earlier … (and as The Express picked up):

Probably doesn’t hurt that today was cloudy, gray, and rainy, but the National Mall was pretty empty. As evidenced by the above photo, the rotunda at the National Museum of Natural History was considerably less crowded than usual.

I’d passed the word around the Office that the Mall would be quiet the Sunday after Thanksgiving, and a few people seemed receptive to coming down, but there was no one else at the designated meeting point at noon. I wandered around Natural History for awhile, and then made my way over to the Smithsonian Castle and snapped some photos. About that time, I wanted to get back to my heated apartment to spend the rest of the day (I’m watching Thirteen Days as I write this).

Confessions of a Wine Mule, Or: “That Looks Like A Vagina!”

A few weeks ago, I was messaged on Facebook by my friend Broadsheet, who wanted to know my address in DC. She was attending various wine-related activities in California and was unable to ship said wine to her house and wondered if I would be good enough to act as a wine mule. Well, of course! Because that’s the kind of friend I am (plus, she brought me a case of Natty Boh, which fills my “cheap beer” grocery requirement).

After lunch at Matchbox — I had the spicy meatball pizza, it was quite delicious, but as with everything in DC, a little pricey — we went down to the National Mall to visit the National Museums of American and Natural History.

Enroute to the museums, cutting through the National Gallery of Art’s sculpture garden, Broadsheet remarked that this sculpture “looks like a vagina.” She’s a trip.

I don’t like the remodeled American History museum. I miss the pendulum. I miss seeing the flag when you first walk into the museum, although I understand why it had to be removed. I think the staircase is ugly. I guess I’m probably over-attached to the museum as I remember it as a kid.

All in all, it was a fun — and oddly exhausting — day.

Thoughts On “The Man With The Golden Gun”

Working two jobs — a full time Office job, and a part time Bookstore job — I don’t find myself with a lot of free time. So I tend to be constantly behind on watching movies (it’s rare indeed when I turn a Netflix around in less than two weeks, but I’m getting better). I am, indeed, very fortunate that my primary mode of transportation is the Metro, which allows for quite a bit of reading.

With my schedule the way it is, sometimes I start thinking about a movie I’m interested in watching again, and it takes a few weeks, or, let’s be honest here, a couple of months, before I actually get around to watching it. In this case, I’ve been thinking about watching TMWTGG for the last three or four months (probably about when I got around to hanging the poster).

Here’s the thing: I don’t like Roger Moore as James Bond. As a matter of fact, I think he’s a ridiculous James Bond. I think my left nut would be a better James Bond, and neither of my nuts is, in fact, English. I can’t stand six of the seven Moore films.

That said … Continue reading

A Reason Why People Deserve To Be Fucking Shot

Or: Why Retail Chains Should Hire Armed Security.

No, y’know what? I’m sticking with my first thought after reading this: some people just need to be shot.

Headline out of New York: “Worker dies at Long Island Wal-Mart after being trampled in Black Friday stampede.”

I work in retail. I’m used to customers interrupting me, being rude to me, raising their voices to me, essentially, every thing under the sun that people due to people who they see as being in servitude towards them. Generally, this is an attitude that retail establishments foster, with the ridiculously stupid creed that “the customer is always right”, even when “the customer is a flaming douche-bag in need of a fucking clue.” So let it go without saying that I think what happened here was horrible, and a total indictment of this Black Friday shit:

The 34-year-old worker, employed as an overnight stock clerk, tried to hold back the unruly crowds just after the Valley Stream store opened at 5 a.m.

Witnesses said the surging throngs of shoppers knocked the man down. He fell and was stepped on. As he gasped for air, shoppers ran over and around him.

“He was bum-rushed by 200 people,” said Jimmy Overby, 43, a co-worker. “They took the doors off the hinges. He was trampled and killed in front of me. They took me down too…I literally had to fight people off my back.”

A 28-year-old pregnant woman was knocked to the floor during the mad rush. She was hospitalized for observation, police said. Early witness accounts that the woman suffered a miscarriage were unfounded, police said.

“They were working on him, but you could see he was dead, said Halcyon Alexander, 29. “People were still coming through.”

Only a few stopped.

“They’re savages,” said shopper Kimberly Cribbs, 27. “It’s sad. It’s terrible.”

Y’know, I bet if a Wal-Mart employee had stepped to the front of the store and brandished a large assault rifle and said, “Hey, people, you’re going to file into the store one at a time, and if any single one of you moves any faster than a motherfucking turtle, all our associates are armed and will fucking blow big fucking holes in you”, none of this would’ve happened.

I tell you what — if I was working today (I’m not, because I think ahead and requested off back in July), and I saw one of my coworkers trampled, I’d be grabbing something long and big and heavy and I’d make sure that customers coming into the store would be going home with black eyes, broken noses, and crushed tracheas.

Abolish Black Friday. Get rid of these ridiculous stupid sales. And for fuck’s sake, and this, I direct to every retail brand in America, if you want early-ass hours and sales that drive people literally out of their mind with homicidal intent, give your employees truncheons, and hire armed off-duty police
to, y’know, provide security (and to shoot people).

And, let’s be honest here: most retailers offer their Black Friday discounts online. So what’s the point of waiting in line for a 5am opening? If I ever go Black Fridaying, I don’t care what the carry laws are, I’ll be ready.

King’s Castle

I love castles. And I love Legos. So it should come as no surprise to anyone (especially those who’ve been reading me long enough to know I built a seven foot tall Lego castle) that I love Lego castles. I came across this castle today, while perusing Brickshelf.

It can be very hard to make large Castle-themed creations look, y’know, good: that’s because it’s very easy just to have large, boring, expanses of gray bricks stacked together to look like a wall. The Lego artist here, (who goes by “RebelRock” on Classic-Castle.com), keeps his walls clean with the use of recessed walls, arches, round bricks, and windows to keep the castle’s structure unboring. The castle itself is a joy to look at, seemingly so random in its turrets and crellenations (excellent technique!) so as to avoid boredom — the Astronomy Tower (originally, if I recall, built for a Harry Potter-related contest) fits in well and provides a fantasyish tone to the structure without going overboard. I like, also, that he doesn’t overdo it on colors, either: gray for the walls, black for roofs, dark gray for rock, and blue for water.

While I appreciate the castle for the architectual vision which went into it, and RebelRock’s technique, and how god-damn time consuming such projects are, there’s part of me that wants to break out the army, and the trebouchets, and lay siege.

Best Of … ?

It’s Wednesday, and I’ve got too much to do to write. The last two days, and today as well, have been a mountain of work: the Office job, followed by a nice thirty minute nap on the Metro (I usually wake up about five seconds before the door close at my stop and hurtle myself off the train), and then I’ve spent my evenings at the Bookstore. Tonight, too, although I expect we won’t be very busy: people are traveling, people want to get home in preparation to travel, or waiting to receive visitors. I think post 7:00pm, only our homeless contingent will be in the store.

So, I’ve been doing this blogging thing for a few months over four years, and I figured I’d try and do a sort of “Best Of.” I sometimes wish I’d categorized my posts better — there are a couple in specific I remember but can’t seem to find now — but alas. Anyway:

I Invented LOL Catz!

“I just thought of something… wouldn’t this post of Snay’s, particularly the last line, predate LOLcat speak? If so, is he some sort of prophet that can channel bizarre internet memes of the future, but only when he’s drunk? It is from 10/23/2005 and I think that’s well before LOLcats. Am I wrong?”

Getting Out of the Holiday Mood

…It was like I’d kicked in her front door and butchered Santa Clause as he stepped out of the chimney, disembowling the jolly present giver in front of her grandkids, then mashing his balls into a testicle soup and force-feeding them to her pet pillow-dog, before ass raping the dog and shoving it down the garbage disposal.

The Tao of Pizza

However, on his way to drop the pizza off, Silent Bob realized he was very hungry for a pepperoni pizza. What was on his passenger seat? A large pepreroni pizza. So instead of delivering the pizza, he took it home and ate it. The customer didn’t call the next day to complain, Gary actually called them to verify his disbelief when Silent Bob came in the next morning, explained the situation, and asked for a refund. “After all,” he said, “I never delivered the pizza, but I paid for it.”

Got Dooced!

Her parents have an awesomely stocked liquor cabinet, and on my drunken claim “I can make the best buttery nipple ever!” she took me up on that. There was no Bailey’s Cream, nor Butterschnaps, but there was a bottle of whiskey and a bottle of root beer schnaps, so, I don’t know what that shot is called, but it was actually pretty disgusting — I nearly gagged all over her. There was also, I think, goldschlager? Flecks of gold floating around? I had some of those from the same shotglass I’d had the whiskey/root-beer-schnaps from, but I wasn’t guzzling the Cap’n Morgan like she was (it might’ve been Jack Daniels, I was pretty woozy by this point — heck, it could’ve been a bottle of sprite).

Rockin’ the Isuzu

There’d be deliveries on the rack in the store waiting to get out and he’d be out some where having some crackhead give him a $5 blowjob. (To top everything off – at the end of the night he’d complain about making zero tips, and you’d have to go down everything with him, “You said you spent $5 for a blowjob on the hooker at Elm, then $25 in gas, you bought Indian food for dinner and told me it was $10, then you were ranting about being overcharged for a blowjob by a hooker on University…”)

Didn’t They Look For, Like, Y’know, Polar Bear Penis? Or Polar Bear Vagina?

I’m pretty sure that all mammals reproduce roughly the same way: the male puts his penis into the female’s vagina, ejaculates, and however many months later, there’s an offspring. So, I guess I’m wondering about polar bear genitalia: I mean, seriously, did no one even look?

Puzzled zookeepers in northern Japan have discovered the reason why their attempts to mate two polar bears kept failing: Both are female.

I’m sure there’s a scientific explanation for this, something about how bear genitalia hibernates or something … at least, I hope there is. Don’t they sell girl’s underwear in vending machines and read porn open on the subway in Japan? But they can’t take a peek to see if a bear actually has a penis. Wow.

Why Is It …

I just checked my Office work e-mail. The corporate atmosphere — except for those poor fucks in sales — is very much that of a 40-hour work week, with an emphasis on not dwelling on work when not at work. I often check my work e-mail before I go to bed, however, often to see if I have to worry about any client issues the following day, or to see if I missed an announcement of some sort (we also have a very liberal flex policy, and I’m rarely in the office after 3pm).

Today, I did miss such an announcement — the Office is hosting a catered lunch for us poor slobs who ddin’t take the day off: it’s nothing fancy, pizza and salads, but the gesture is always well appreciated (especially by me).

However, I’ve got to admit, usually, “they’re” better at announcing this stuff further in advance. Because of the lack of foresight, I have a loaf of bread, cheese, and ham in the fridge that will go to waste (because, honestly? Ledo’s pepperoni pizza is delicious!) unless I eat a double lunch, or have it for breakfast.

I’m leaning towards breakfast.