Memo
From: General Veers
To: Commanding Officers, 4th Stormtrooper Brigade, Detached Service to Lord Vader’s Flotilla
Subject: Proper Gear, PLEASE START PAYING ATTENTION! IMPORTANT! DO NOT IGNORE!

Dear Generals, Colonels, Majors, Captains, Lieutenants, and Sergeants.

First, congratulations on last week’s operation on Hoth. Although numerous Rebel forces escaped, our advance with AT-ATs achieved our primary objectives and we have quite successfully thwarted Rebel ambitions for the foreseeable future.

However — as will all successes, there are set-backs. Although we anticipated a possibility that Rebel forces would use tow-cables on their snowspeeders to bring down our walkers, our losses were well within expected margins. Once we deployed Snowtroopers to clear and hold the defensive trenches, our losses escalated considerably more than our projections projected. Sadly, as you are no doubt aware, photos of our troops in operation have surfaced on news outlets.

I am very embarrassed.

Folks, look, I don’t know how to say this. I looked back over the orders I gave, and there, in plain type, it says “Snowtroopers.” As I’m sure you’re aware, you make a Snowtrooper by taking off a Stormtrooper’s normal battle gear, and putting him in gear designed to operate in a cold-weather environment. For example, we would never deploy troopers in snow gear to a tropical zone — do you know why? Because they’d suffer heat-stroke and exhaustion and be dead pretty damn quickly. So I don’t know what joker thought it would be cool to load troopers up in tropical “scout” gear and deploy them to Hoth, but, duh! Sixty troopers of Third and Fifth Platoons are dead — uh, and that’d be frozen to death — the rest are dethawing are in microwaves on this Star Destroyer’s galley (which means no hot food for anyone aboard, and I’m starting to get death threats, so, thanks, you assholes).

Seriously, guys. I know it was probably funny when you saw those troopers running around freezing their asses off, trying to get into locked Rebel bunkers and land-transports, but, let’s remember, the only member of the Empire who gets to kill his troopers and not be executed for it is — with me? on one? — V. A. D. E. R. Speaking for myself, I’d rather not be force-choked to death.

Thanks, guys, for all your cooperation,

-General Veers