A few weeks ago, I was surfing through YouTube when I came to a video that claimed to show an actual suicide. A guy on the screen put a gun to his head, and his face turned into such a look of horror and fear as he pulled the trigger, I think that more than any other special effect convinced me the video was real. It shook me.

I wrote earlier this week about the anxiety I’m feeling as a result of the economic downturn in general, and in specific about the security of my Office job, and my part-time Bookstore job. I would not say my financial situation is desperate, but it is tight: I live very much paycheck to paycheck, and part of the reason that I was working so much (before hours got cut at the part-time job) is because I was hoping to build up a safety net: well, that, and to make sure I could fill up my Smartrip card every month, and keep my fridge full of groceries, and to enjoy the occasional night out.

I think what Ervin Antonio Lopez and his wife did was awful: so deep in a pit, with no hope, they shot their children and then took their own lives. It seems selfish to me, to make their kids pay that price, out of some sort of notion and misplaced pride in their role as parents. When times are tough, kids grow up to say, “I don’t know how my parents were able to do it, but they put food on the table every night.” Obviously, these kids will be saying nothing, and their graves will be a testimony not to their parents’ fight for them, but to their failures. It was probably a rash decision, fueled out of desperation, and, unfortunately, I think we’ll see more of these cases as the economy crumbles around us.

While I sometimes despair over my own situation, I remind myself that I’m fortunate: I’m employed, and I make enough that I can usually cover all of my expenses and debts. Should the worst case happen, my parents would probably let me move back in with them (although I might have to give my cats away, which would break my heart).

If there’s a bright side to this story, it’s to know that I can’t even picture a scenario where I would despair to the point of taking my own life. I can still see a light at the end of the financial tunnel, and even though it’s a little farther away than it was in September, it’s still there, and I can still make it. There’ve been stumbles in the past, and there will be stumbles in the future, but sooner or later (probably later), I’ll make it.

And then I won’t feel as guilty as I do now, having four of my five weeknights free of work.

(I do want kids … just not until I’m on firm financial ground.)