Sometimes, I’m not so sure.

A little over a week ago, I blogged about how angry I was that the Bookstore was ripped off by professional thieves, and how impotent I’d felt. A regular commenter then took me to task for bragging about infiltrating Marriott’s employee cafeteria.

Alan wrote:

Yet it’s OK to sneak into another company’s cafeteria, right? Hell, that was thrilling, right?

Don’t you even wonder why that meal you had yesterday was so cheap compared to your cafeteria? That’s because Mariott subsidizes it FOR THEIR EMPLOYEES.

So it’s not “like: if someone I work with found out I was… stealing…”. You DO steal. Just from Mariott. Both posts today painted you as some kind of saint, which you’re not. You’re human and you have flaws.

I’ve certainly never considered myself a saint, and I don’t think one has to be seen as a saint to take a stand against torture and people who break into cars. I’ve certainly got my flaws, and here are some of them:

1. I download music. For free. Yay, BitTorrent!

2. I jaywalk — usually only in the early hours of the morning (like 6am), dashing across Connecticut Avenue so I don’t have to wait for the light. Yes, I’m very careful.

3. If it’s raining out at the Bookstore, I will take an abandoned umbrella from our lost and found.

4. I use the discount I get at the Bookstore, sometimes, for purchases that are for coworkers from the Office, or for friends. Technically, this is a no-no.

5. I curse. A lot. I curse at the Office, I (quietly) curse at the Bookstore. I curse in public, and in private.

6. I’m extremely judgemental, although I try not to be. Also, I tend to give myself a lot of breaks that I wouldn’t for someone else doing the exact same thing.

7. I tend to speak without thinking. For example, a friend’s birthday celebration is this Saturday. I bumped into her randomly Monday, and blurted out, “I might not be coming.” Which is true, but I should’ve clarified: “I found out that my hours were increased on Saturday, and I might be too tired to come out after work. But I hope to at least stop by and buy you a celebratory booze.” Because, really, sometimes I’m just a jackass.

7A. In fairness, at the end of a thirteen hour day, I can be kind of non-coherent.

8. I’m a little creepy. Case in point: guy got on the bus last night, sat in front of me. Wasn’t sure if I knew him, e-mailed who I thought it was this morning, no response, I’m sure he thought: “Wow, what a creep.”

On the other hand, I pay my taxes, throw my garbage in the dumpster, and will return your wallet if you lose it. It’ll even have all its money in it. Also, if I work with you, I’m not below smuggling in some Natty Boh so you can have a “pick me up” at lunch.

(I’m not sure if the Boh works in my favor of not).

And then, as fate would have it, feeling in the dumps, I opened my mailbox half an hour ago to find a letter in it from the gentleman whose wallet I found on Sunday, and mailed on Monday. He received the wallet on Tuesday, and was quite generous in his praise.

I don’t know if you can read all that, but he says: “Godly richly bless you in your day to day activities … all things were intact. You are really a man-of-God.” He goes on to write that he works at the National Zoo, and says, “I would be grateful if you could visit me at zoo one day.” I’ve really got no excuse not too, although all this flattery in the letter is embarrassing enough (I mean, it’s been a rough week at work, and a particularly rough day, so I need the boost).

Which is really flattering, and sort of puts to rest my own questioning: y’know, so what if I download music for free? So what if I take advantage of Marriott’s employee cafeteria? So what if I jaywalk? If you lose your wallet, I’ll pay the shipping out of my pocket, because, dammit, I’m a good person.

And someone wants to be my friend! That makes me very happy.

Aziz Ansari is an idiot.

Let me just say that upfront.

But he’s got a point.

Here’s the quick low-down, but I’m sure you know it already: AMC and Regal and some other theaters wanted to make extra cash out of Star Trek, so they worked a deal with IMAX where they could call some of their screens “IMAX Digital” or some such. Misleading? You betcha. I mean, I know in a perfect world, people can distinguish that IMAX and IMAX Digital are not the same thing, y’know, proper research — one would think the fact that you’ve been going to said movie theaters for years and years and never saw them advertise IMAX before, and didn’t notice them building a new addition would’ve been enough warning — but, let’s be bluntly honest here, I had no idea there was a difference there.

None, at all.

So, anyway, Ansari went, paid $15 for a ticket, realized it wasn’t an IMAX screen, then sat and watched the whole movie before demanding his extra $5 back. And that is why Ansari is an idiot — if he wanted his money back, he should’ve walked out of the theater, demanded a full refund, and gone to see Trek somewhere else.

It’s like, when I used to work in the pizza business, the people who would call in and tell me that I’d made the wrong pizza for them and they wanted what they’d ordered but, oh yeah, they’d eaten the wrong pizza. “You mean a slice or two?” No, the whole thing. Well, sorry dude, I’m happy to fix your pizza, but if you ate the pizza we sent you, there’s really nothing I can do for you: I mean, clearly, it was edible. (Also: clearly, there’s no way for me to know that I didn’t make the right pizza to begin with and you just want a free pie and do I look like I was born yesterday?)

So, Ansari: thank you for alerting me to the fact that Star Trek is not really playing on a lot of IMAX screens (it is, in fact, playing on the Smithsonian’s IMAX in Chantilly, VA). And screw you IMAX and Regal and other movie-chains for some dubious “IMAX approved” rating that enables the theater to charge an extra few bucks. Meanwhile, I’ve been perfectly happy catching the film (twice!) on a normal movie screen.

Also: on his blog, Ansari says that he did not, in fact, actually threaten the movie theater manager with posting negative comments on Twitter if he wasn’t given his money back, but, er, would that be Twitt-rorism?

***

I didn’t get a chance to get out to HBO’s Screen on the Green last summer, but I was looking forward to making my way over to the Mall a few nights this summer, and alas! No more Screen. This makes me sad.

(Don’t worry, I’ll get over it).