So, here’s the true story of how I spent my New Year’s Eve: I was sitting in the living room of my friends’ house in Bristol, Virginia, with them, and some friends of theirs: a married couple from Gaithersburg, and another friend who now lives in Nome, Alaska, and has a radio show. No, his name was not Chris Stevens.

Earlier in the day, everyone had been talking about drinking until 3am. But after a huge pot of chili and a rather fun outing to Bristol, Tennessee (which is literally the other side of Bristol’s Main Street) and a game of Apples to Apples, by the time it hit midnight, everyone said “Thank god!” and made their way to their hotels, guest rooms, or couches.

The point is: me staying up until midnight? Not something that happens a lot. Honestly, a lot of nights, by 10pm, if I’m not already in bed, I’m all “Oh my god, I gotta get me to bed.”

So the last time I saw either Jay Leno’s show (back when, y’know, it was at 11:30 and not this crap fest at 9:30 or whatever) or Conan O’Brien’s show was probably sometime prior to March 2008, when I started working this insanely early* in the morning schedule.

Anyway, so I don’t even know why I care … but Leno’s new time slot apparently hasn’t been the best greatest thing in the world that everyone (and by everyone, I mean Leno & NBC) was saying it was going to be.

So apparently they’re considering moving Leno back to 11:30.

Admittedly, Conan, I haven’t watched you since you’ve had The Tonight Show, but I thought you did pretty smack-dab neat-o on Late Night.

*Y’know — even on weekends I’m usually up before 6am? True. Story.

I was in Bristol, Virginia last week for New Year’s, and when I mentioned to a clerk at the Home Depot there where I lived, she asked what part of the government I worked for. When I told her I didn’t work for the government in any way, shape, or form, she looked at me like I had horns. “How is that possible?” I guess that’s just one of the misconceptions people have about the District of Columbia.

Here’s another one: the residents of DC don’t have representation in Congress. That’s actually not true, we do have a Congresswoman: Eleanor Holmes Norton. I met her once, she was at the Bookstore, and she bought a book, and we talked about parking at the Capitol building. But she can’t actually cast a vote, so for all intents and purposes, it’s almost like we don’t have her there at all.

Here’s a concept I like: it’s called State’s Rights, and initially, it was a way for states to buck the authority of the Federal government, originally in regards to all those darn anti-slavery and equal rights nonsense following the Civil War. Yes, I realize that’s a considerable oversimplification. But truth be told, I think the idea has limited merit (just not when applied to restricting people’s Civil liberties from them). At the same time, I think Washington, D.C. can be out of touch with some aspects of life in parts of the country far, far away — in other words, what works for Virginia isn’t necessarily going to be best for Alaska.

At the same time, what works for Ohio or Virginia isn’t necessarily best for D.C. itself.

On December 2nd, the DC Council voted to legalize same-sex marriage. Because DC is considered Federal property, the Congress has considerably more sway over what gets passed into law than in states — namely, a thirty-day legislative review day. (What that means is that Congress doesn’t have thirty days from December 2nd to intervene, it has the next thirty days it is in session to intervene).

And of course, intervene they are.

Several members of Congress, including two top Republican leaders, are asking to be heard in the court case involving same-sex marriages in the nation’s capital.

Two U.S. senators and 37 members of the House, including House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) and House Republican Whip Eric Cantor (R-VA), have signed onto an amicus brief asking D.C. Superior Court Judge Judith Macaluso to compel the District to hold a voter initiative on the issue.

“As members of the District’s ultimate legislative body, {We} are concerned about the extent of the District’s delegated legislative authority, the preservation of Congress’s constitutional authority, and the interpretation of home rule. {We} also support the right of the District electors to directly participate in the legislative process.”

The 37 members of the House who signed onto the brief include Roscoe Bartlett (R-MD) and Randy Forbes (R-VA).

Here’s a lesson to learn from this: Bishop Harry Jackson, and these signers of the brief, oppose same-sex marriage. I believe that marriage is a civil liberty, and I oppose their stance. I believe it flies in the very face of what “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” means. It’s not your happiness that everyone is obliged to pursue, Mr. Jackson, Mr. Boehner, et al, or even God’s happiness. As free members of society, each individual has the opportunity to pursue their own happiness, and if it offends someone else (as it has so clearly you), it is up to that person to deal with that in the manner that they so choose, but attempting to strip that liberty from them is beyond the pale.

To the Republicans in Congress: you guys are always bitching about Legislating from the bench. And yet, that’s exactly what you’re doing! The DC Council, elected by the citizens of the District of Columbia (hey, we’re up to 600,000 now!) followed the legislative process and voted. And because you don’t agree with the decision, you’re fighting it … via the courts.

Well, maybe you’ll even win. I’ll give you credit that so far you haven’t just stepped in and say “No way, no how!” Even if the courts grant your request, there’s still a chance a voting referendum will pass. Hopefully, to give you credit, you won’t then step in and say “No way, no how!”

But, look guys, I want you to picture something. I want you to picture two roughly horizontal lines, running mostly parallel to each other. They’re mostly straight, although there’s a distinct bump on the right hand side of the lower line. The two vertical lines, which connect these, are also bumpy: on the right hand side, there’s a pretty noticeable budge.

Know what I’m describing?

Iowa.

And Iowa’s why you fight is in vain: because if Iowa can pass gay marriage, heck, I guess it doesn’t really matter if DC gets it this spring or not. DC will get it. Every state in the Union, eventually, will get it.

Get it. Get gay marriage. But they’ll get it.

You know: it. That intangible: that pursuit of happiness.