Yesterday, at the Bookstore, we had a fairly well known celebrity stop in for a book signing in the afternoon. Now, whereas we can host Ralph Nader and have a total of 70 people show up, yesterday, we were packed — a conservative estimate would probably be seven to eight hundred people came to try to get a signature, alas, the line was capped at just under six-hundred (so a lot of people left disappointed and angry).

Here are some lessons for future signings those people might want to keep in mind:

1. Don’t show up at the time the event is supposed to be starting and be surprised when you’re told you won’t even be permitted to get in line because we’re out of wristbands (even if you were told earlier that you could show up at that time and get a sig — guess what? Things change). Yes, it’s a true tragedy that we didn’t advertise wristbands — seriously, did you think you were the only person who wanted to get her signature? There were people here at 9am. And complaining to store staff isn’t going to do anything: the signer has her own people (or her show’s people, or her publisher’s people, not certain), and they make the call about how many people will possible get signatures.

2. I need to reiterate this: quite frequently, when the person signing is pretty damn famous, and are doing a book signing as part of a tour, or during a stop on their traveling comedy show, or whatever, the signing is being managed by their marketing people. Well, not their marketing people, but their production companies’ marketing people, or their TV show’s marketing people, or whoever. Anyway, the point is, threatening to take your business away from the Bookstore … whatever. It’s not going to effect how the event is run. You’re threatening the wrong people.

3. No, you [deleted]: just because you have tickets to the signers’ performance later that night does not mean you can have wristbands. For one thing, I’m pretty sure I just told you “We’re at capacity for signatures”, which is code for, “You should have gotten here earlier.” I can’t just pull wristbands out of my ass. (I could … but they’d be covered in poop).

4. Do you not have ears? I’ve just told one person what the situation is with wristbands, and the colors, yada-yada-yada, and you tap me on the shoulder and say, “I heard what you just told that person, but can you tell it to me, too?” Seriously, you know there are people in the store who need assistance finding books and movies NOT relating to the event, right?

5. Well, no, I’m not going to make you get out line and leave the store … but if you don’t do what I’ve politely asked you to do, the big cop behind me will.

6. Yes. There were police in the store. No, no one was arrested yesterday (that I’m aware of), but several people were escorted from the store for trying to get in line without a wristband. Was it worth it?

7. Don’t treat our store like a fucking dump. If you buy a coffee, and can’t find a trash-can, carry it around with you. The staff is not your mother.

8. After all the people who bitched about not being able to get a signature, or the line being too long, or we didn’t have enough staff, or, oh my god, if I get out line to go to the restroom, I’ve got to rejoin at the back of the line? Can I just pee on the floor?*, you have no idea how happy I was when people told me we’d handled it really, really well. Seriously, if I could give you guys free books, I would’ve.

9. That said, our guest? Holy crap — 600+ signatures in under two hours. Wow! We probably could’ve gotten yours signed after all! Oh well. (Actually, we probably couldn’t have — I don’t know how many signatures a person could do before their wrist snaps, but I would think six hundred is pushing it, and I’m sure she wanted something to eat).

*Yeah. I’m serious. Sure, pee on the floor. Don’t be surprised when you’re being taken out of the store in handcuffs.