WHO is Malnurtured Snay?

Malnurtured Snay returned to Towson University to finally finish his bachelor’s degree in Creative Writing (and a minor in procrastination), and graduated in the spring of 2007 (almost exactly ten years after his high school graduation). Malnurtured Snay was quite happy not to take any classes where he was older than the instructor, and is now gainfully employed (twice over).

Malnurtured Snay lived for several years in the Baltimore City area, but moved to Woodley Park in Washington, DC in June of 2008, where he rents a very expensive and very small studio apartment overlooking the National Zoo. Perpetually single, he shares hilarious misadventures with his felines, Guy and Tippy, who somehow never manage to clean up after themselves.

Malnurtured Snay is a registered member of a political party which is neither the Republican Party nor the Democratic Party. Malnurtured Snay’s political views include a diverse range of viewpoints, and he is pro-gay rights, anti-death penalty, pro-choice, anti-torture, pro-Bill of Rights (yep, 2nd Amendment too), and pro-legalized drugs (even though he has only smoked weed once). He voted for Barack Obama in 2008.

Malnurtured Snay was raised Roman Catholic, but determined that describing himself thusly was stupid given his complete and total lack of faith. When questioned by those of a religious persuasion, Malnurtured Snay will sometimes describe himself as agnostic in an effort to get them to shut up. When questioned by his grandmother, Malnurtured Snay is a rabidly enthusiastic Roman Catholic.

Although overweight and ugly, Malnurtured Snay is a wonderful person with an amazing personality. Malnurtured Snay spent six-months of his life building a large model of Hogwarts Castle out of Lego (which he tore down, but is hoping to replace with a larger version). After contemplating the benefits of his life upon completion of this project, Malnurtured Snay realized he was very geeky.

Malnurtured Snay used to get road rage. And then he moved to DC and sold his car. He suffered briefly from Metro Rage, then realized he could just nap his way to his destination.

Although Malnurtured Snay will pretend on occasion to be a grammar snob, he has failed every grammar class he’s ever taken and has to bluff his way through conversations about the proper use of commas, apostrophes, and has absolutely no clue whatsofucking ever what an adjective is.

Despite this, Malnurtured Snay is a really wonderful writer, who hates writing about himself in the third person. Malnurtured Snay maintains an incredibly amazing blog — perhaps tooting his own horn to describe it as the best ever? — at, well, right here. Malnurtured Snay had also mostly memorized the first eighteen lines of Chaucer’s “General Prologue”and will attempt to recite them if you bribe him with a beer.Malnurtured Snay likes alcohol, but gave it up entirely for February, 2012.

Malnurtured Snay enjoys creating new words by combining popular swear words with other descriptive words which might or might not be adjectives. “Asstastic” is a current favorite. (Sometimes, Malnurtured Snay’s cursing ability lead him to believe he should have pursued a career in the Navy).

Malnurtured Snay used to be employed as a DELIVERATOR, but feels no particular need to elaborate further upon that, except that he clearly hated it or he wouldn’t have gone back to school, now would he? Malnurtured Snay feels you should read Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson.

Remember that episode in The Sopranos, when Carmella meets with a dean of Columbia, and he’s all like, “Thanks for coming to lunch. Let’s talk about development – that’s a fancy word for fundraising.” That’s what I do, and for a university, to boot. Here’s a hint: my employer’s name starts with “George” (doesn’t narrow it down by much, does it?)

Malnurtured Snay’s favorite bar is Dizzy Issie’s, located in Baltimore’s Remington neighborhood, but he can’t go anymore because it is not public transport accessible from Washington, DC. Since we’re on the topic of alcohol: Malnurtured Snay is a fan of Raspberry Cider and Bass Ale, and got drunk for the first time two days before his twenty-first birthday.

Malnurtured Snay has an irrational fear of being photographed while not holding a beer bottle in front of his face. This paragraph is a complete lie and Malnurtured Snay might just find an actual photo of himself to upload at some future point. (Perhaps even wearing a tie).

Malnurtured Snay enjoys wearing ties to work … even though he doesn’t have to.

Malnurtured Snay is a die-hard JEEP WRANGLER fan, even though he sold his in 2003. He hopes to buy another WRANGLER down the line, and is just crazy enough to take the doors off and the top down (even if it will be the middle of January). He hopes to do the above even though he never wants to own a motor vehicle again in his life. Well, okay, maybe a motorcycle. Or a tank.

Malnurtured Snay’s typing technique is a bastardized version of “hunt and peck”, except he uses his middle fingers (asked, Malnurtured Snay will remark that exercise of his middle fingers was necessary for negotiating Hunt Valley traffic patterns). An observer of this typing technique remarked, “For someone who types with your middle fingers, you type hellaciously fast.” 100 wpm, to be hellaciously precise, motherfucker.

Once upon a time, Malnurtured Snay had no idea how to work an iPod, but then he got one for Christmas. He’s on his second iPhone, and bought an iPad 2 off a guy on the internet – yes, it arrived.  Malnurtured Snay thinks the old version of this “About Me” page is really old because it had a lot of references to MySpace and none to Twitter or Facebook. You can follow Malnurtured Snay on Twitter if you’d like.

Malnurtured Snay hates any person or organization that has their web site play music automatically. Seriously, fuck you, weather.com.

Speaking of music, Malnurtured Snay’s favorite version of “Battle Hymn of the Republic” is Judy Garland’s.

Malnurtured Snay would like to claim that his taste in movies is wide and varied between genres and subgenres, but really, when you analyze his taste, it is very simple: Malnurtured Snay likes good movies.

Malnurtured Snay won’t admit to dancing during the jukebox scene in SHAUN OF THE DEAD (but he does!), and also enjoys HOT FUZZ, MASTER AND COMMANDER: THE FAR SIDE OF THE WORLD, the original STAR WARS trilogy, INDIANA JONES, and HIGHLANDER. Malnurtured Snay also loved the John Sayles’ film SILVER CITY, and attended an opening-night screening of SNAKES ON A PLANE.

Malnurtured Snay detested the PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN sequels — which sucked! –, and often wonders why perfectly good films need sequels. Malnurtured Snay anticipated seeing the Michael Apted documentary 49-UP! at The Charles Theater, but because it didn’t show there, had to wait for DVD. It was, yes, worth the wait.

Malnurtured Snay has recently become a huge fan of the movie D.C. CAB and thinks you should watch it. He’s not willing to say it’s great, he’s just saying that he enjoys it.

Malnurtured Snay firmly believes that the release of TV shows on DVD is the best invention since sliced bread, even if his favorite foodstuff is actually skim milk. Current favorites include LOST, THE WIRE, and the new BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, and Malnurtured Snay may or may not own the complete STAR TREK DEEP SPACE NINE on DVD.

Other favorite television programs of Malnurtured Snay’s include (in no particular order, and certainly not alphabetical) such diverse choices as FUTURAMA, the classic STAR TREK, HOMICIDE: LIFE ON THE STREET, HIGHLANDER, DAVINCI’S INQUEST, HILL STREET BLUES, FIREFLY, THE SOPRANOS, and “the terror that quacks in the night”, DARKWING DUCK.

Malnurtured Snay devours books like the Wampa Hoth monster devours lost Rebel scouts (hah). Once a year he goes to IKEA to buy a bookshelf to house his rapidly expanding collection of deceased processed woodland (erm, books).

Favorite books? Are you kidding me?  Impossible to list.  Malnurtured Snay has a seriously problem with books, and currently owns fourteen hundred plus. He made a resolution not to buy any more books in 2012, and failed miserably.  Having made the same resolution in 2013, he’s made it as far as this edit (February 25, 2013) with only buying one book: a birthday gift for his mom, so it doesn’t count.

Malnurtured Snay’s hero is Han Solo, but not wimpy Special Edition Han Solo who waits for Greedo to shoot first.

Malnurtured Snay is a firm believer in the saying “brevity is the soul of wit,” but does not feel it pertains either to him or to his blog, which he needs to spend more time writing on. If you’ve read this entire thing, Malnurtured Snay probably thinks you’ve got too much time on your hands. If you’re thinking, “Oh yeah? Whoever wrote this has too much time on their hands!” you would be absolutely correct.

And you’re still reading! What the fuck?

(Thank you).

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