The Six Pack is not a 2-Litre

Pizza delivery is, let’s face it, not a difficult job. You put a pizza in your car. You drive your car, drinking soda and listening to music to a house, business, or apartment, where you hand over the pizza in return for a cash — often, this includes a tip. Yay, tips.

The best pizza drivers know their delivery area like the backside of our hand, and we can pull up three or four alternating routes to take to any address factoring in for rush hour, other traffic delays, or inclement weather. We can take deliveries to Hunter’s Run, Loveton, and Falls Road and still beat back the newbie who just took a single to the Hampton Inn across the street.

The point I’m trying to make is that it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to do the job. It’s pretty easy.

Unless you’ve done hard drugs for many years of your life, as would seem to be the case with a new employee named Ackbar.
Saturday night he had trouble reading the guest slip, so I told him, “Okay, you need those two pizzas ontop of the oven, and a six pack of coke.”

He bags up the pizzas, then starts pulling out twenty ounce bottles of coke. “No,” I said, “You need the six-pack, the cans.”

“Oh,” he says, staring at the cooler. It’s like what you see in any pizza shop – a coke cooler stacked with 2-liters, and 20oz, and cans. Well, after watching him just gaze blankly at the cooler, I tell him, “On the right, the bottom.”

Not the actual bottom bottom, mind you, but the shelf above the 2-liters. What does he do? He opens the door and starts moving the 2-liters, looking behind them. “No, the shelf above,” I tell him, and I’m getting a little angry, because before he pulled this stunt, he spent literally ten minutes looking at the map trying to figure out what street he was delivering too, then I literally pointed it out to him four times. “Yes, it’s right here, off Mays Chapel Road. See it? Yes. Yes, it’s right here. Right where I’m pointing. Look, do you see it?, because you said you saw it the last three times, too…”

New Years Eve he took two deliveries. The first to Hunter’s Run Road, the second to Cranbrook Road. This is a four miles round trip that should take only twenty minutes, even in heavy traffic. He was gone for two hours, and took a detour through Monkton, which is sort of like taking a road trip from Maryland to Florida and detouring through Colorado, then calling up from Boulder and saying, “I can’t find Boca Raton!”

I don’t know how much longer Ackbar is going to last, but I certainly think he’s one guy we’re all going to remember, even longer than Yellow Boxers Dude.

0 thoughts on “The Six Pack is not a 2-Litre

  1. He was recomended for the job by another one of our drivers, who did indeed confirm that Ackbar was into hard-drugs for several years, so, yes, I’d agree that he has neurological issues … caused by cocaine!!