Pirates of the Crappean: When Does This DVD End?!?!?

I hated the first sequel to one of the greatest adventure movies ever: Pirates of the Caribbean. Great film. Loved it. Everything from the fact that it actually had a story to the score and the coreographed sword fights, I couldn’t find much to dislike in the first movie — and this, to me, was a pleasant surprise. A movie based on the Disneyland ride? How good could it be? How much money did they have to pay to get Johnny Depp to agree to it?

And then the first sequel came out, and I figured, “Eh, I’ll chance spending my money on it in theaters.” Surprise surprise: it was a lousy movie. Hated it. When the third — and, please god may it be the last film — came out, I decided I’d wait until I could rent it on Netflix. While I had to wait for it to move availability from “Very Long Wait” to “Now.”

So, here’s the best part of the movie: Murtogg & Mullroy, the redcoats who served as comic-relief for the British side, are back. Except they’re wearing black uniforms now, and they aren’t utilized nearly as much as they could’ve been (glorified cameos, really). And this is too bad, because if they’d been used a bit more, the movie might not’ve been suckfucktastic.

Hollywood, although I know that you’d never read this blog, and if you did, you’d never value my opinion over that of the almighty dollar, please stop making sequels to movies that didn’t need them in the first place.

At World’s End suffers from what I like to call “Buffyverse Syndrome”, where everyone — good guy, bad guy — turns out to be on the same side in the very end. I mean, check it: Spike, the big bad in Buffy’s 2nd season, was not only a good guy by the end of the show’s run, he was knocking his vampiric boots with the Slayer! So, in this trilogy it’s a little different: pirates are the “good” guys. By the end of the first film, Will & Elizabeth and Gov. Swann all seem to hold some admiration for Sparrow, and Norrington has enough respect for the guy to give him half a day’s head start. Flash forward to the third film where everyone is throwing their lot in for the pirates. Norrington dies helping to escap a herd of the filthy lot*, and even the common British soldiers are throwing themselves from their ships and disguising themselves with the pirate crew, in some attempt of solidarity.

The only bad guys who really die are the ones introduced in the second film — the wanker from the EIC and Davy Jones –, because, apparently, everyone from the first (with the exception of Gov. Swann, who apparently dies at some un-included scene in the third) is so wonderfully loved that the audience couldn’t possibly stand any of them dying … or, at least, dying without making it known that they’ve chosen the “right” side after all. Even Barbossa, the big bad from the first film (resurrected in the second, and no less despicable in the third), gets a Willie Coyote ending: sure, Sparrow foils him, but he’s free-free-free to try again.

Anyway. I’m not going to go so far as to say this movie is better than Live Free or Die Hard. Because, really, if they’d thrown a few “Yippie-Cayee Motherfuckers!” into this film, it only would’ve made it that much better.

*With the notable exception of Ms. Keira Knightley, certainly one of the most beautiful pirates ever!

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