I Don’t Dislike Glen Beck Because He’s White, I Dislike Him Because He’s A Fuckwatard

Sometimes, I think I should’ve gone into the field of Conservative Talk Radio cheerleading.

It’s pretty simple, especially when compared to Liberal Talk Radio cheerleaders, who, uh, well, anyway. When they were around (were they ever?) they tended to use too much words. It confuses people. Makes the mushy thing between the ears hurt. Far easier:

“Boo! Gays! Boo!”

“Boo! Latinos! Boo!”

“Boo! Er … 3-D movies! Boo!”

And, let’s be honest, I am at least as unattractive as Glen Beck. Really, the only thing he’s got that I don’t is a lot more cash (and, uh, hair). And I have absolutely no problem selling out my principles for cash.

“Boo! Principles! Boo!”

Heck, I’m even a registered independent, so I’ve got my talking points all secure. “No, no, I’m a registered independent. No, hah, don’t take me seriously, I’m just an entertainer. Hey, take me seriously — I know how to fix this country!”

Ugh. I just can’t do it. Principles won’t let go.

Not a Happy IKEAer

One consequence of working part-time at a bookstore is that you tend to use your discount to buy more books than you would otherwise.

One consequence of living in a studio apartment is that you tend to run out of space for stuff really quickly.

I decided last week to consolidate some furniture. I moved a half-bookcase to the wall near my bed, and a 2×2 Expedit* into its former place. My TV bench (a 2×4 Expedit), I turned on end and placed in the former 2×2 unit’s place, next to a larger 4×4 unit. The illusion, now, is of a 4×6 Expedit unit against the wall … and a solid wall of books, which is, face it, awesome. However, this left me short a TV bench, and I opted to replace it with another 2×4 Expedit.

Why replace a 2×4 Expedit with another 2×4 Expedit, I can hear you ask. Why not just put the new one upright against the wall? Well, because the original 2×4 Expedit, and the 4×4, are both Beech, a veneer which IKEA no longer manufactures. I opted for a Birch veneer for the new bookshelf.

With a friend’s help (‘cuz I don’t have a car), I made my way out to IKEA early Saturday to buy the new shelf and some of those wicker-baskets that a.) fit perfectly and b.) are the ideal way to store DVDs. Well, apparently, IKEA was having a Memorial Weekend sale, and one of those items for sale was a 2×4 Expedit. We made our way into the store — and we were there around 10am, right at opening — and the line stretched from the warehouse to the entrance. We couldn’t back out, and staffers challenged us consistently as we tried to get to the exit, “No, really, I just want to get the fuck out of here.” Needless to say, nothing was purchased.

Yesterday, one of the guys I work with mentioned he had to run out to College Park, and in exchange for lunch, agreed to shuttle me to IKEA and to my apartment. I was home around 6:30 with a 2×4 Expedit, and some storage baskets.

Before last night, I had three Expedit units: a 4×4, a 2×4, and a 2×2. Do you know how long it took me to assemble the 4×4? Twenty minutes. The 2×2 actually took about an hour, because I was trying to fit the internal shelves in wrong. I don’t recall how long it took me to assemble the first 2×4, but I know it was nothing like the frustration that lasted two and a half hours last night, and ended with me taking the damn thing back apart and mumbling about how I should’ve waited until the weekend to begin with.

I know what the problem is: the pegs, those stupid wooden dowels, aren’t inserting properly, and no matter how much I tried, I just couldn’t achieve a proper snug fit. I think I might have to remove them all from the shelves, and see if the plugs they fit into are jammed with … something. Meanwhile, if you’d looked into my apartment last night you’d’ve seen me, drenched in sweat, contorting my body on top of a mostly assembled bookshelf in a vain effort to force the unit together. I’m pretty sure it looked like I was humping the damn thing at one point.

I know that I will prevail, in the end. That the Expedit will fit together as it should, and I will forget the frustration and anger that was involved in putting the damn thing together. And that, as soon as that memory has faded from my head, I will realize how I can squeeze another Expedit into my apartment.

*If you don’t know what the Expedit is, click here.