I don’t know much about cologne

I don’t know much about cologne.

Which is to say, just give me a bottle of something that I can squirt/spritz/spray on the back of my neck at the start of the damn day, y’know? Give me something that your nose might still be able to pick a hint of as I’m leaving my part time job after a long sixteen hour day. Give me something that’s easy to find in stores.

So when I ran out of the bottle of cologne I brought down from Timonium …

Yeah, well, I was out of cologne for like six months.

Like, Target, what, no cologne section? (I looked.) Giant? What’s your excuse? (Groceries only my ass.)

And then, voila, as the Christmas season kicked into gear, we got cologne at the Bookstore.

But not just any cologne.

No. We got Star Trek cologne. Yes, I’m serious. No, this is not a belated April Fool’s gag. (I kind of wish it was).

And while I was tempted (because, hey, I needed cologne), two things turned me off: 1.) Star Trek cologne. 2.) $29.95. Fuck it, I don’t need to smell thirty-bucks good. I’ll just smear more deodorant on, thankyouverymuch.

But then something happened. Christmas ended, and the cologne (surprise) didn’t sell.

Like, it didn’t sell at all.

So it got marked 50% off. And I said, “Okay, I’ll spend fifteen bucks on cologne.” (Even if it was Star Trek cologne). So I did. And y’know, while for a few days I was worried people in my close vicinity would sniff and ask, “Hey, was a salt monster just sucking out your blood?” the truth is, if anyone noticed I was wearing cologne, they didn’t mention it. And if anyone noticed I was wearing Star Trek cologne, they kept their mouths shut.

And then something happened. Yesterday, in fact. Checking our internal inventory application for recent Blu-Ray sales (FYI: we have 100+ copies of Avatar sitting in our back room — go ahead, ask me what my pick for $4.99 Black Friday Discount is going to be?), I noticed the listing for the Star Trek cologne.

It had dropped from 50% off.

To ninety-eight cents.

Ninety-eight cents for a bottle of cologne?

Folks, not only did I buy the remaining two Tiberius bottles at my Bookstore, but on Monday, I traveled to the Friendship Heights store with the intention of buying out their stock, as well. (According to our computer’s sister-search, they were the only other store in the area with them). I only bought one, actually, as the guy at the register mentioned he’d been thinking about buying his brother one, and heck, only snagging one would’ve given me four.


Yes. I have four bottles of Tiberius cologne in my medicine cabinet. I guess there’s a plus here:

1. The logo doesn’t actually scream “STAR TREK DORK.”

and 2. If a girl I bring home* recognizes the logo, she’s probably a Star Trek Dork too, and this means LOVE and MARRIAGE and BABIES and all that jazz.

Or, y’know, not.

In any case, when I spray (spritz?) that stuff on, I feel strong enough to wrestle the ears off a gundark Gorn.

(And, yes, I do have the Star Trek bottle opener. Two of them, actually. Both gifts Christmas ’08).

*It could happen. It totally could!

8 thoughts on “I don’t know much about cologne

  1. Honestly, I want my man to smell like water and rain. Nothing else. I want him to wear deodorant at all times. But men in cologne remind me of three things: 1.) my dad; 2.) a math teacher from another continent who shared my adjunct faculty office at school and smelled like he used cologne instead of bathing; 3.) bare chests and chains.

    So—no babies from me.

  2. 552. That’s how many words you spend talking about cologne. Star Trek cologne. Beauty blog next? Kidding. Quirkiness wins.

  3. I always liked Old Spice on my Pop. Other than that, I agree with Leslie. I like the natural soap and deodorant smell on a man.

  4. Yoda – WIN!

    M – Just a dab. I don’t douse myself in the stuff.

    Silver – Is there a Borders near you? They might still have it …

    Suburban – When Black Friday comes along, you got it. Might have to remind me, it’s 5 months away still!

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